All of my ramblings on one site ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Una mesa para dos personas, por favor I love weed because it makes me feel patient, silly, loving, affectionate, and it makes time slow down. Sometimes to a crawl. I can sit in one spot and have a million thoughts and feel like an hour has passed when it's only been a few minutes. Maybe even a few seconds. It makes me feel more creative. I feel more interested in things. I'm grumpy and don't care about anything when I'm sober. Weed, especially mixed with alcohol, especially a stupid high alcohol by volume IPA. Two of those is like 5 bud lights. What will I do to get it? Will I lie? Will I steal? Hmmmm what's a really good story I can come up with. I'm a fraud! I'm not real. I'm doing all my drugs so that I won't have any for me tomorrow and tomorrow me can be REALLY freaking mad about it. Why are you punishing me? I could say the same to you like literally what is up here! I don't know what approach to take. I don't want to live artificially forever. I don't remember how to enjoy real life when I'm sober. Being present is so difficult because I'm usually being traumatized at work when I'm sober (the only time of day I'm sober). I'm afraid of being sober. I'm scared. I have so many opportunities to not and I do anyway. Why not? Why not get fucked up literally every single day? I can, so why not? I don't know why I can't stop. It seems so obvious. LIke, just stop. I want to, it sounds so easy. I really fucked up my brain and I hope I can come back. I hate feeling rigid and awkward and reactive like I do when I'm sober. I think I should look into going to a sobriety retreat in the Midwest. Get my vagina steamed, masturbate under the stars missing Devin. Maybe 2022 will be my sober, adult year where I stop giving a shit about things that don't matter and focus on my family (buying a house and making a wee baby and ofc nurturing my cats). I don't think my dad would be happy about my drug use. I dont know. He was in pretty massive denial about his own substance issues. Lets go to bed. We can lay down and rub my clit thinking about sucking Eddie Vedders cock back in 1990 at a shitty party and having that be the only ineresting thing about my life. 9:07 p.m. - 2021-12-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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