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I think I collect things so that I can feel a tangible tie to this Earth

I think that's why I'm an avid journal keeper (this one for 11 years and my Q&A a day for 7 years) and why I try to keep a physical record of everything I do, feel, and experience.

I think that's why I love history. Things that seem meaningless now will have more sentimental value over time. I love old things. I think part of me wants to have that same charm, mystery, and value that old things have.

Part of me hopes for my things to be found by someone one day, and for them to wonder about me, the way people wonder about their ancestors, or old buildings.

I want someone to find my scrapbooks, my embroidery, my journals, and value them for their age and the work I put into them. A secret look into my life without ever having to know me. Because I can't keep people in my life, I don't want to. Just my husband and my immediate family.

I know in my heart that I'll take my own life one day. Not soon, not for a long time. Not because I hate my life and want to die. I want my life to be in my own hands, I don't want to be at the mercy of a caregiver. I don't want to be "the thing I have to go take care of" for someone else.

When my husband goes, and all my family is gone, I want to go too. I don't want to be here without them. When I have no one left is when I'll go.

I haven't been to the beach enough this summer. Maybe I'll go today.

11:18 a.m. - 2019-08-12


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