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Shame in Me

and you must change patterns all we've trained
or n'er regain peace you seek
now you hear me for the things I see
Yeah, I believe in inner peace, yeah

I got caught. So, I lit four candles, put on the defuser, had another drink, and here I am.

Thanksgiving was really good. We lounged around, I took a nap, we watched A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. We ate and laughed a lot. I'm thinking about reading a new book. I'm just so picky with books. I wish I had another Coke and Vodka.

My craft room is so cozy. I'm definitely going for a cottagecore feel in my house. I'm surrounded by floral shit, rust, dark wood, and pine. I love being up north with all the varying seasons. I love all the different people I am during those times. Floral babe, lemon babe, pumpkin babe, and pine babe.

I feel like my life is going nowhere but I'm really enjoying myself. Work isn't so bad considering I can ball as much as I want, as long as the bills are paid. I'm happy to just slog through work, make a decent check, come home and get drunk and do crafts. I couldn't want anything more than this. A kid would be cool, though. And for my dad to be alive forever.

I thought I was being sneaky, but he caught me. He confronted me about drinking every night, said he doesn't want to live with someone like that. That I smell like shit when I go to bed. He didn't say it as harshly as I'm putting it, but he was upset. And rightly so. I know what it feels like to watch a family member drown themselves out with alcohol. I know the smell, I know the fear of being around them. Initially, I tried to excuse myself by reminding him that I'm not an angry drunk, I don't pick fights, I go to work every day, I don't get sick, I don't get mean. I just do it to loosen up. I just want to feel good. Excuse after excuse. He didn't buy it. Fifteen year old me would say "good for him! Fuck that bitch!" But I'm in both camps. I'm still the fifteen year old who hates alcoholics, yet I'm also the 26 year old who likes a drink (or three) every day. Though, drunk assholes are always sober assholes. I guess I justify it by being a nice, silly drunk instead of a mean one. But a drunk is a drunk.

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all. But let's not ever forget the plight of the people who were here before us, who are still among us, who are still in pain.

1:21 a.m. - 2020-11-27


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