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I'm feeling the most overwhelmed that I have in years. Since 2017. What a garbage year.

What started with feeling underwhelmed about everything, turned into the weight of the world crashing on me in a single night. I talked it through with Devin, my entire body shaking uncontrollably and I ended up vomiting. He made me some lavender tea and eventually put me to bed.

Today I don't feel a whole lot better. My body is sore, I still feel nauseous. My first thought, just like in 2017, is to pack up my stuff and move back home. Leave everything behind. Start over. The easy way. That would mean leaving Devin, Woolly, Patches, my in-laws. I'd be leaving the ample opportunities I have here. I can do anything. I can make my art and sell it in craft shows, go to school, walk anywhere, see snow, etc.

The novelty of getting all A's and being inducted into Phi Theta Kappa wore off really quick. The spread of COVID-19 in my area is incredibly worrying. I feel so sad for the world, for everyone losing loved ones, for everyone infected who will worry about their impending doom. I'm worried for my own loved ones and myself. I'm so, so afraid. What if RIC doesn't get my transcripts in time? How difficult will it be when I call both of my past schools to get those in? So many thoughts. Following r/askwomen on reddit has been incredibly triggering. Husband doesn't put the dishes away correctly? Divorce. Doesn't snow on Christmas? Divorce. Sure, Devin isn't the most proactive or motivated all the time, but otherwise everything is fine. We have fun together, cook dinner together, clean together, take the cats to the vet together, go on lovely walks and mini vacations. I know that otherwise our relationship is wonderful, I just feel like everything is slipping through my fingers.

I've been incredibly inclined to shut myself off to the world. I want to hide. Deleting instagram and snapchat only made me feel more alone, so I reactivated them. It actually did make me feel a little bettter to see old friends doing their thing, even if we don't talk anymore. I'm so lonely.

I've always been this way. It's always just me. I always have a problem with something, I'm never satisfied. I'm always waiting for someone else to make it right. Then, if I do put in the work, I'm almost automatically overwhelmed. I feel like a total mess. Ive got to wait this out, get outside, read something, I don't know. I feel incredibly lost and nauseous. It could be a million things. So many unresolved things float around in my brain. I'm so, so lonely. I cut off Maggie. It feels awful.

But, my mom and Morgan are coming soon, and that will be fun. I'm graduating. We're going on a nice vacation for our anniversary, Devin planned it all and it's going to be a surprise. Everything's going to be fine once this feeling is over.

I feel really sick. I can't wait for this to be over.

12:09 p.m. - 2020-03-11


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