All of my ramblings on one site


Sheila Take a Bow

It's been a while, buddy.

I have a niece! She's bouncy and crazy and fun, and she smells amazing. Babysitting is one of my new favorite things, and something I greatly look forward to. I worry often about how she feels about me, if I'm too weird or avoidant. I never want her to feel belittled or cast aside by me. I never want her to question her importance to me, like I did with most of the adults in my life as a kid. I also don't want her to feel smothered. Seeing her excited and free is one of the best feelings ever.

We've moved out of the city to a very sleepy town in Southern New England. Our place is lovely, except that the heating system is very out of date and expensive to fuel. And as such, we're often pretty cold. Often when I wake up for work its anywhere from 49 to 55 degrees in my house, and it stays that way. It's hard to be motivated to do anything in this condition, but I try my best. My job has become my reason to live. I love the routine and the stability of it.

I clean houses for a living now. Talk about a life skill. But what can I turn this into? And what do I want? Idk but I've loved getting to know my clients and their pets. I love the feeling of being trusted by strangers to take care of their most valued possessions. I love how unconventional the whole gig is. I love to beautify things that have been neglected. I love when clients love what we've done for them.

I'm still not sure if I want kids. It's not the first thing on my list, that's for sure. I want to own a house and get more tattoos above all else. There is certainly plenty of love in my heart for a child, but I don't think there is enough money to give one a great chance at life. Not right now, anyway. (It has never happened by accident, which I'm surprised about, and honestly have been banking on.) If I had all the tattoos I wanted and a house with adequate amenities for a bb, I'd say YES, LET'S DO IT. But I honestly feel like I have to choose between the two, just because I don't have a Masters degree and some cushy WFH job. I do manual labor, Devin has an office job. I travel far for work. I'm disgusting and unfulfilled in my own personhood.

I went to Jamaica! The weed man on the kayak and the security officer waited for me to make a move, and I remembered the "monk" Anouk and I ran into in NYC, adorning us with bracelets and necklaces, and then demanding money. I respectfully declined and felt weird the whole rest of the time. My brother got married, my other brother got his release from prison date. It's 2 years sooner than he expected. He's taking his break up and exes relapse very well and wants to join a re-entry program out in Kansas City. We talk every Saturday and are closer than we've ever been. I'm closer to him than my two siblings who are not in prison.

Morrissey, Kerosene, Brach's Soft Mints, being deeply inside yourself for the winter

7:47 p.m. - 2023-11-24


The past the present, and the future


latest entry
about me
random entry

other diaries:


other shit:

post secrets