All of my ramblings on one site


Killer is me

But what if I became an Opposumologist

My dad can talk again, but he still won't call me or video chat with me

I'm feeling really bad. My psych thinks I have PMDD (premenstrual disphoric disorder). Who really knows.

It's not so much the thing as it is the want and need to understand every facet of the human condition. The need and want to experience every grief, joy, and triumph anyone could relate to. To read all the great works (working on a big old Lovecraft book at the moment), watch all the great films, see all the great places.

Where is my platonic soulmate? I'm so scared I'll never find her.

I've made it a goal this year to travel to a new interesting place once a month. This month I went to Albany, next month I'm going to Portland, Maine. I also want to visit Satans Kingdom, MA, and somewhere in Vermont and New Hampshire. I've got to make the most out of living in New England, otherwise this is all for nothing. At some point, I'd even like to get a passport and drive to Canada.

If I could have it all, I'd be able to finance my own museum of stuff. I'd collect stories and pins and patches of places I've been and animals I've held and people I've met. But then there's another part of me that craves the security that a vagabond lifesyle automatically rules out. I want a warm home and loving partner to lay next to every night, but I also want to experience every little pain and pleasure life has to offer. I'm so in love with and infuriated with life at the same time. Why does it seem like I have to choose one over the other? Why do I have to be in so much love and pain at the same time? Why do my highs crash into unbearable lows? Do the girls I love and admire so at work adore me the same? I will never know.

Sometimes I really miss the thick, humid morning of Florida. I miss my parents. I wish I could hold my dads hand as he goes through radiation. I wish I could go out to lunch with my mom, and take my sister kayaking when she feels sad and alone. So many people live far from families they love, and I wish I knew someone like that that could relate. Everyone here has their parents it seems. I was so mad at my parents for so long, and now all I crave is to talk to them, to tell them I love them, to be near them.

There isn't a right answer. I'm so, so lonely. I'm really struggling with alcohol.

11:42 p.m. - 2021-01-20


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