All of my ramblings on one site ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm Just a Girl We have a budget. I feel authentic. I'm doing hard work. But it's kind of fun hard work. I had a really, really great session with Heidi today. I had a sobering moment when I realized how fast impulse buying adds up. I thought I had this budget thing figured out but I'm learning big time. I can't wait to see how it affects my spending habits over time. That will be a really interesting long term study on myself, devin, and us como una familia. I'm learning how to play D&D. It's really fun and exciting and Devin is a great DM (also his initiatls proving Divine Justice). I'm learning Spanish. Yo hablo poco de espanol. I want to walk back down to my car to get another beer but I'm scared and it would make too much noise and Devin is a really light sleeper but DANG I want another beer. The weed ain't doing it all by itself. One more beer would REALLY give me that push over the edge that I need. More and more and more and more. I always want more. Why?? If anything just keep smoking weed. Atleast it doesn't add anything to your second butt or your belly oink oink piggy. I love pigs so whatever. But I don't want to gain any more weight. It's freezing and I could get mugged, so that's good enough reason to not put my shoes on and walk down three flights of stairs at 11:30 at night to grab ONE BEER that I will wake up atLEAST one person in the entire apartment by my stomping. Save yourself the 300 calories you'll gain and the 50 you'd lose by running up and down the stairs and simultainiously putting your life at risk as well as risking your reputation among the people you share the house with. I'm dedicated to being a good neighbor. I'm falling so deeply in love with Devin. My soul feels a deep, passionate pink color. Like a dark, sort of musty natural pink. Yumm. Very sexy. I can feel the muscles of my vagina contract and moisten at the thought of sucking his cock nice and slow and fast and then slow again. What an asault on the eyes, this mixture of words. It feels like I'm committing a crime. A very sexy crime of passion. I want my husband of 10 years very average but really good cock in my mouth. I want to taste his precum and hear him moan. I want him to feel like he's in heaven. Like wow thank you God for bringing me this woman to nurse my cock so delicately and so passionately, too. That's how I want his head experience to be. For me, I hate head. Stay away from my pus. I kind of like controlling it myself. I'm insecure about how it looks. Sometimes I like the smell, sometimes the smell is absolutely repulsive. Periods are a difficult time as always. A time to reflect. It's the equivelant to winter as far as period seasons and cycles go. Tracking my period is also one of the best things I've ever done. It's helped me to really learn my body and show what HONESTLY happens as it's happening instead of what I change my memory into depending on how I feel that day. I don't think that makes sense. I love my husbands cock. I love that he doesn't shave his pubis or his balls or anything. A nice, natural, hairy man. I love the smell of his hair, I love how soft it is. I hope he feels the same about my pussy hair. I try to keep it nice smell wise and groomed nicely hair wise. I love when he's inside me. I love smelling him and grasping his strong arms as he thrusts inside me. I'm trying to sound as sexy as possible to get him really ampted up and feeling confident. I love when he gets super confident and takes over. I love feeling like his litle girl but one that he respects and loves very much and is loyal to. We could be like our own little fantasy. I think I'm gonna go take off my makeup and brush my teeth really well and get naked and crawl into bed. I really like this part of my life. This is a really good time for me. I want it to be noticed in the history of my life that this is a good, safe time for me that can be REALLY difficult sometimes but I've recently discovered a lot of purpose within myself that I never thought I'd reach. I'm not sure how I got here but I'm excited to learn, grow, and be a really great wife and partner, eventual mother, but also student, leader, sister, daughter, and friend. I want black, empty, rainbow sparkly cyber space to know that even though I miss my dad SO much and I'd rather him be here more than anything, I'm so, so happy to have Rick and Mike in my life. Who knew I needed 3 dads to become the woman I am today? Three dads and two moms and three sisters and three brothers. Family systems are so interesting and weird. It could have been any combination of destinations but I'm glad with what I have. My dad is the obvious number one, my first love and heart break and all that. I am HALF of him. Everything about him is ingrained in me. That's so, so special. I'm so glad to have my mom still here and I hope to use this extra space to improve and grow my relationship with my mom to one that feels natural and open and honest and not awkward or shameful like in the past. I think my mom is secretly really cool and I want to be a really good friend and daughter to her. I could write a paragraph about the impact that EVERYONE has had on me. I'm really enjoying my metamorphasis as a person. It's really strange that I'm in such a good place in my marriage but I'm also battling a deadly addiction that could end up killing me the same way it killed my dad. I feel like I can't live without using. I love using but I know that it's bad for me. A part of me GENUINELY wants to be a sober, good, happy person, but another HUGE part of me wants to be numb to quiet all the phone ringing, alarms, bells, whistles, yelling, squeaking, squaking, screaming, squealing, and phone ringing. Pair this with hunger pangs, the disappointing realization that you're not getting a 15 minute break because it's getting a little busy and we're falling apart. Woof. No wonder I drink and smoke weed all the time. I've been listening a lot to Sharon Salzberg and her talks on Lovingkindness Meditation. I thought about maybe going to Barre, Mass to visit her place or something. It's made me love my OM tattoo again. I remember the exact reason I got it and I no longer feel ashamed. The meaning to me is that it helps me to breath in situations where I'm so stressed out that I'll hold my breath and wonder why I feel like I'm dying. It reminds me to breath, to be in the moment. Who cares that it's the sound of the earth, it's a syllable, who cares. It reminds me to stay focused on the present, to stay focused on my values, and so on. I got it tattooed there as a reminder after my grandma blew her brains out out of the blue. I wasn't a dummy, and I'm not appropriating a culture. Cultures learn from other cultures. A religion can't belong to one person alone. I'm allowed to use symbolism and not follow the religion per se. Think about a hindu kid wearing a cross because he likes the symbolism of it but is definitely not a Christian. I don't think that's a bad thing? Especially because I'm an athiest anyway so it's not like I'm offending some God who is really insecure about being the only one in charge. Why can't I pray to Freja one night, to Ganesh one evening, to Satan another night, to my dad one lonely morning? I can pray to frogs and ponds and trees and grass and flowers and fish. I can worship the wind and dig my roots into the hills and bathe in the sun. Feel the rise and fall of the earth breathing. A vibrator lightly caressing your lonely, hungry pussy. She's overcome so much and deserves a little petting. I want to ride my husband until he's satisfied, I want to rub my clit and have him gently kiss and suck my tiny pink nipples until I'm satisfied. I'd let him cum on my face if it weren't for the fact that I feel so powerful and filled with joy and love when he cums in my pussy. Omg especially when he stays there for a little bit and I can feel it pulsing inside of my. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude. Okay I'm going to bed now. 11:08 p.m. - 2021-12-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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