All of my ramblings on one site ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Passionless panflute music I want to live. I want to buy a house, stay at Home Depot, keep learning Spanish, keep upholding boundaries, stick to a budget. I want to stop lying. I want to be sober most of the time. I'm afraid of living without weed but I go without at work every day. I like how it feels. Then I'm afraid of feeling bad so I get high, and try to stay high. Coming down feels like a once big and shiny balloon deflating. I know that I can do it but I have no way to be accountable. I don't want Devin to know. It's better that I handle this on my own and save face. I'm falling in love. I want a baby. I want you to lick my tits and squeeze my ass. I want to feel your bulge through your gym shorts. I want to surprise you with coffee and listen to you. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. I want you to flirt with me under the table at a family function. I want to keep learning how to be an adult with you. We can start over again and again. I want to get healthy. I want to stop being addicted to everything. I want to go to a gym regularly for moderate bodily maintenance, nothing crazy. I want to have a healthy, sharp mind. I want to be a really, really good mom. I want to be a really, really great wife and life partner. I also want to sleep in the back of my RAV in a national park in the west at some point before we have a kid. My last hurrah as the sole owner of my own body and time and money for a very, very long time. I'lll be honest, I'm really glad to be getting this being addicted to stuff thing and party and be a drunk and high idiot all the time everywhere even at Thanksgiving and the entire time my sister visited me. I made alll my lunches for the week. I spent a good chunk of time learning Spanish. I wathced Arcane with Devin. We budgeted and agreed on a lot of stuff. We dreamed of our futures. Who we'll be as partners, parents, and individuals. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Saturday is stay at the desk and be really supportive day. Sunday is the same but also organizing and checking overdue orders. Monday is SO OH day at work (in the back). Tuesday is SO OH continued but at the desk. Wednesday is take it easy day but please do like three observations. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Thursday is usually an appointment, most often therapy with Heidi and/or talking about health and prescription with Darryle. I also like to do wash this day. The budget starts over because it's payday. The other day off should be spent with a friend atleast once a month. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Ideas on how to stop or cut down on being a pot head and a drunk, or, a trash attempt at harm reduction -Wake and bakes should be limited to once a week. I often have the urge to throw my vape and vape juice out the window so that I absolutely could not go back for it and it would be WAY to much trouble and money to start over so I may as well try something else out to stay afloat. I don't want to die like my dad. I want to be a grandma. I want to have a long, beautiful life and kids and grandkids or no grandkids whatever my kid wants. I want to go to weddings and kiss babies and have silly dance parties. I want to read books and sing silly songs and pretend. 9:46 p.m. - 2021-11-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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