All of my ramblings on one site ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've Become So Numb I'm not myself. I smoke weed every day. I'm high just about every second of every day. I begged myself last night NOT to smoke weed this morning so that I could jump in the shower and go to the gym with Morgan at 10 am. It's 9:49. I'm high, my hair is still wet, I'm in jammies, and Morgan is still asleep. The cats are fighting and I'm still in yesterdays make up. My body feels so, so good. My mind feels good. No yelling, no phones ringing, nada. Just guilt. And fear. Fear that I'm going to die from this in one way or another. Whether it be today driving or in 20 years filled with cancer. Why do I automatically want something else when I get the thing(s) I want? I must've subconsciously been like okay someone else needs to take the wheel right now, because I can't. I'm tired, I'm angry, and I'm confused, I'm mad at myself all the time, I feel like I can't do anything right, I'm always worried that I'm hurting someone else on accident. I'm really, really into hurt men and I would really like not to be. I have it so good right now and I need to really not fuck it up. I'm so tired of losing my keys, my wallet, my mind, forgetting everything, whole days being wiped out of my memory. I'm running on autopilot. It feels good but I can't function in the real world this way. I've been in a continuous dream state since October 28. I need to stop driving high and buzzed. Why isn't the guilt enough to stop me anymore? I miss reading. I miss having good memory. I miss being interested in the woods. I miss liking myself. I miss not feeling guilty 24/7. 9:47 a.m. - 2021-11-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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