All of my ramblings on one site

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Alerion

I'm well aware that my last entry probably made no sense. I don't exactly remember what it was that set me off last night after seeing Mike. It wasn't anything specific, because we had a really really great night. He gave me a surprise visit in the middle of my God of War and Tilt bonanza bash. We layed there and talked a little bit and played God of War for like two seconds and then we went to his house, where we stripped down to almost nothing (we always keep our socks on). We layed there and talked for hours and got close. Played 'never have I ever'. xP I'm honestly surprised at his innocence. An amazingly attractive nineteen year old guy who before me had never had sex, never cheated on anyone, never done a lot of things that I have (except the cheating part). It makes me feel dirty. Of course I regret with everything that I am having sex with guys I wasn't dating, getting with them to make myself feel like some sort of importance. That it got to the point where I couldn't talk to them or hang out with them or have sex with them unless I was really drunk. It got to that point with even hanging out with friends. Whether it be pills or alocohol, both were always easy to get my hands on. Anything to loosen my skin. I feel dirty and stupid and ugly just thinking about that time period. But I'm really glad Mike's here, and not judging me, and accepting the fact that I'm the biggest fuck up ever. He's really great..
I think I'm just so so afraid of messing everything up. Mike asked me the other night when the last time I did any drugs or anything was, because his AA sponser said he shouldn't be with anyone right now during his recovery. His sponser wants to seclude him from anyone who could mess this up for him. I didn't think this was very fair at all. I could totally understand if I was an alcoholic or a serious drug addict or something. I promised I'd stay sober for him before this happened, so I didn't do anything. Shit, I don't even smoke weed. When he told me that I felt sick to my stomach. I completely support everything he's working for, and I'll be next to him the entire way if he'll let me be. And I was afraid he'd leave me, but I know he's not a cold person, and would hopefully trust me enough to let me be there for him.
I really did enjoy the hell out of the two AA meetings he brought me to last week. I liked hearing everyone's story and being able to relate a little bit to all of them. I liked hearing Mike talk, and I liked the atmosphere and everything. He's got balls, I don't think I could ever talk in there, even though I've never heard anyone be cut down by a listener.
But this is why I want a therapist. I'm so tired of feeling negative all the time even when I KNOW I have nothing to worry about. I don't think Mike wants to listen to all my shit, I wouldn't put him in that position.
I ran out of words.

11:38 a.m. - 2011-01-15

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The past the present, and the future