All of my ramblings on one site

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When I find myself in times of trouble..

Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be

Today was Shannen's mom's funeral. The whole time people were crying, and people were going up to talk about memories with her, I couldn't stop thinking about Johny. I wanted to tell Luke, because he probably didn't understand why I was crying, seeing as I didn't know Shannen's mom. I kept imagining him lying there in his casket, with scars on his face. I don't want to go back to see him lying there.
They're giving up hope too quickly. Yesterday me, Ashley and Kassie (Johny's sister) were hanging out and Ashley had to go somewhere, so me and Kassie were just talking. Then Ashley came back all depressed, and we didn't know why. So we went to Baily's (the baby Ashley babysits) house to get her, and we stayed to clean her brothers room. Kassie got a call from her mom saying it was about Johny and she had to leave. Then Ashley told me she heard her step dad talking to Johny's girlfriend on the phone, and she told him they were going to pull the plug. I couldn't believe what I'd heard. It's only been a month..They can't do that, not yet.. They can't give up hope just yet. People come out of comas after years. Later on Kassie came back and I asked if I could see her. I'd told Luke about it and he was guiding me on what to say..but there really wouldn't be anything to say I guess. So I saw Kassie and she had the biggest smile on her face. In a way I was relieved, and confused. I asked her what happend and she said they were just moving him to a closer hospital. I don't think Ashley would make up such a horrible lie. Maybe they're just not doing it yet. Maybe they'll give him more time. I hope so..
I'd never cried over what happend to Johny until today.
Seeing Shannen made me feel really uneasy but I couldn't get my mind off Johny. I could hate Shannen, I really could. But it'd be worthless. She'd never really done anything to me directly. I guess I'm just jealous because she's so..beautiful. Everything about her. She's happy, too. Even though her mom had just committed suicide. That made me uneasy.. I don't think I could get over my mom killing herself. I don't know what it is about her that makes me want to just walk away whenever I hear about her. She makes me feel like a monster. I'll get over it, I always do.

I threw my razor in the lake today. I had a bit of time by myself when I woke up, when it was still so early and beautiful outside. I thought to myself that it wouldn't make me any happier, and chucked it. I didn't tell Luke because I didn't think it was something very nesessary to talk about. Aspecially at a funeral. Plus I don't think it'd really surprise him too much. I don't think he ever really took it seriously.

My eyes feel like weights

10:28 p.m. - 2009-04-09

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The past the present, and the future