All of my ramblings on one site ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- \"though I'm surrounded by a million people I.. still feel all alone, and I want to go home. I miss you, you know" --------------------------------------- Today Luke's coming home with me from school so he can tutor this kid down the street. He's going to start riding home with me three times a week every week for the rest of the year. I'm excited [= And since the kid doesn't get home til 4:40, and I get home at 3, we have an hour and some to hang out :3 I wish we could go on myspace in school. My friend Meg from here sent me a friend request and I'm anxious to see what she really looks like, to see if it's anything like I imagined in my head. I hope that doesn't sound creppy o.O Ten minutes after first period started, I ran to the bathroom to make an incision on myself. I sat down and did a recap of this weekend, and it really was awful. I let the pressure in my nose and temples out through a sigh when I realized I looked like I came out of a horror movie. My hair was stringy and there was blood running through my fingers and down my hand. I washed myself off but it kept coming. I wasn't freaking out as much as I probably should have, but I was in there for ten minutes trying to stop it. I texted Jessica and she got really upset with me.. That's why I like talking to Luke about this stuff.. He can talk me through things without saying sounding upset or disoppointed, and he lets me speak out, and he listens.. God I'm so lucky. I don't know what I'd do without him. My veins are still glowing blue, brighter than normal. I could've scarred the top of the vein, just didn't break it, which is good. I don't know if I could stop cutting for now, but smoking is something I'm definitely working on. I can't take a hit without gagging and turning green. I'd probably go insane if both were taken away at the same time. It's going to take a lot of patience to do both. Last night I looked up CA's (cutters anonymous) to see if there were any in my area, but they were all online CA's, and that's really no fun. I want to socialize with people like myself and hear their stories. I think that'd be very moving for me. My dad went to AA (alcoholics anonymous) meetings after he took my moms threat to get a divorce seriously. Me and my older brother went with him a few times, and it's scary. A bunch of crazies with groggy voices and grey puffy bags under their eyes. Yikes. My little brother is going to his first therapy session today. I kind of hope they'll want to talk to me, too. My brother demands to keep silence toward the therapist. I told him he'd be wasting a wonderful opportunity for himself. I was going to say it'd be a waste of money for my mom but that'd only excite him. I told him that he goes alone, and it's illegal for the therapist to tell anything to anyone, even my mom, and even though my dad approved that true, my dad being his idle, he still didn't believe it. That kills me. A girl I used to talk to came up to my friend Sarah in first hour and whispered something in her ear. Sarah turned to me and asked "Could you still get pregnant if you're doing it without a condom but the guy doesn't, you know.. you know?" I looked at the girl next to her. I couldn't believe that. She's so pretty. Not strikingly beautiful, just natural. No make up, you could tell her hair was natural. She was kind of a dope though. One of those people you joke with and never talk to them again because it's just a little awkward. That's who she was to me. But she was still cute. Anyhow, I know I had been in this situation before..but I didn't tell her that, obviously. I just told her it's a possibility, but I guess it depends on how long you were doing it for. Which didn't comfort her as much as I'd hoped. The times I really thought I was, I was always really late, like someone was messing with me, and it really sucked. I didn't know what else to say to her besides that. She looked even more scared than before. I was saved by the bell. I really wish I could've helped her the way I wanted someone to help and understand me. What is there to help, though? It's just a matter of waiting I guess. But I seriously doubt she's pregnant. If every girl in my school who had unprotected sex got pregnant, my school would have more mothers than the whole freshmen class. Me being on of them /: I keep sneezing and all I've been hearing is low whistling. 10:34 a.m. - 2009-03-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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