All of my ramblings on one site ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sog Something is wrong again. Why does it seem like something is always wrong? I don't know what's going on but I've been feeling so, so negative and angry and left out and shameful. I have the same reactioin to rejection as a 3 year old. I always felt smothered in shame as a kid. There is a war going on in my head. I'm always embarassed of how I reacted afterward. That just compounds the shame. I feel disgusting and rejected and alone. I don't really know what's going on. Is it because I'm high about 99% of the time? Probably. But I feel like I can't relax without it. At work I'm so angry all the time. I make myself sick thinking about what others are thinking about me. I used to feel so comfortable, my meds worked really well. But I was also drinking a lot. Have I ever been okay? Surely yes, but it feels like it's been a really long time. I think it started back up when Devin and I went back to Florida. Then we came home and I had this reaction when I was helping his parents move and we found out Fay and Mike were pregnant. This quiet, pissed, focused, probably super cringey act. I think that would be passive aggression. That's a neat discovery. I feel like I just popped a nice juicy tonsil stone with minimal gagging. I thought about going to rehab. It would seem sudden and perhaps frivilous or.. an exaggeration? I think it would be a good thing if I went to the right place. Even if it was just like a week stay I think that would do me a lot of good. I feel sucked into my own rip current and I can't swim out. It feels like a lack of will power more than anything. Like if I could just muster up enough strength, I could just stop and be totally cool. This of course compounds the shame even further, but what can I do? I have no idea what to do. I feel amazing when I'm high (at least for the first hour or two) and I feel like shit the rest of the time. I want others to see me as tough, strong, pretty, funny, and smart. What I think people think of me is that I'm ugly, slow at tasks, lazy, cringey, stupid, too emotional, mean, bossy. I imagine they see me as C****** *r***, a person I find to be incredibly cringey and probably because a lot of her reactions remind me of myself (but hers was more public than mine then). I feel like everyones mad at me, so I become passive aggressive toward them, then I feel like well now they're REALLY mad at me, and I feel ashamed again. I feel like I'm operating from the 15 year old part of me. 5:47 p.m. - 2022-02-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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