All of my ramblings on one site ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There's a feeling I get when I look to the West Every second of this month has been an extreme learned lesson. It's really frightening, and at moments it's really wonderful. I've been learning about myself so much, and as I've been learning about myself, I've been learning about others (in a general sense). Human beings are so complex, yet so incredibly alike. I've taught myself that I'm not alone, that everyone feels as stupid and confused about everything at points in their life, and they move on. And if they don't, well, that's probably why we have so many wicked and disgusting people in the world. That mentality has been helping a lot at work, and with presentations at school. I tell myself, all of these people had to learn the hard way at something; exactly what I've been doing a lot of lately. I've listened to a lot of music, smoked a lot of weed, asked a lot of questions, slept a lot, worked a lot, thought a lot, listened a lot, read a lot, analyzed a lot to get to where I am now in my mind set. A broader one, even way more broad than before when I felt like I knew quite a bit. I guess as you go through life you realize that you know way more now than yesterday. Which makes me question how I feel about myself today. Which also makes me wonder what I'll learn tomorrow that I didn't know today. And then how will I be different in a month from now than right now? In a year? Five years? I'm aware that 18 is like that for everyone, no matter what. One day you're still a little kid who just graduated from high school without a clue of what real life, real adult life, is like. Every second of one way of life (being a lazy high school student with barely any responsibility) to the next (paying for everything by yourself; those weeks all you can afford is ramen because you have to get your car fixed) is an extremely painful and enlightening learning experience. And the scariest thing for me to realize is that it's not even close to over. I still haven't moved out and been so poor that I can't have ramen or my car fixed because I have to pay rent. One thing I've noticed is that everyone also has a "fuck you" point in their life where all they want to do is rebel and be free and tour the country and life, and then they realize that that's impossible unless you're rich (because gas is way too fucking expensive for that). I'm afraid I'll lose that fight in me as well when it comes time you have to drop it because it's ruining your life. This rebellious stage makes you hate work, hate money, hate business and the government and maybe along the way form some type of racism. The day you realize you can't wear band tees anymore, you can't smoke weed or cigarettes anymore, and your livers doing kinda bad so you can't drink anymore. You're always afraid of some sort of disease you get with aging. For me, I'm deathly afraid of having a heart attack. I'm deathly afraid to become obese and get diabetes. Or to have wrinkles from smoking and talk like a frog. The day you have to take your comic book posters off the wall, and maybe you should listen to some different kind of music so that it doesn't trigger these rebellious feelings. That's a day I don't want to experience. I don't want to give up how badly I want to help everyone in the entire world form a better consciousness (which is why I want to be a therapist, and slowly but surely I despise that career choice more and more every day), or help babies achieve a physically and emotionally stable life, or help people out of the disparities of life. Deep down I know everyone's beautiful. I know people truly have the ability to be good people. I'm trying to find a way to reach out to people. I want to start a Youtube channel where I'm masked and talk about some life lessons or a better way of seeing things people don't understand (religion, gay marriage, marijuana, etc.). I want to do it so bad but I feel kind of like a bad person for doing some of the things I'm doing. Like in Barnes N' Noble, I try to sabatoge the displays about religion (that only consists of Christianity, as if it's the only religion worth reading about) by grabbing books like "God is not great" or "Why religion is poisonous" and putting them on top of the christian books so that when people think "I'm going to find a wonderful novel about God!", they actually see "The Hidden Dangers of Christianity" and get really butthurt because "how dare someone destroy my beliefs that I've been so heavily brainwashed with." I feel like I'm imposing my values on others, just like a Christian does who hands out those stupid books and flyers about the next coming of jesus. I feel like I'm just as bad as that, and I don't want to be a hypocrite. I just want people to see that they give religion WAY too much credit that it deserves. Like how "god" saved your husband from that awful cancer because he just kept praying every night and everyone and their mother prayed for him, therefore god helped that man regain his life. NOT the doctors who worked their ass off in school wondering what the hell is wrong with you and how to help you get to better health. Not the nurses who are on their feet all day tending to your needs and wiping everyones ass. No, not them, but god. Someone who you've never met, who has never talked to you. Just someone your mama talked to you about before bed, someone you sang for in church every sunday and thanked for your meal. Not the farmers who work their ass of harvesting your food. The Indians thanked every single thing they ate before they killed it. They promised not to waste the gift that animal gave them, so they use every single part of them. That's how it should be. But no, we had to come to THEIR land and steal THEIR ways of life away from them and rape and kill THEIR families and impose our idiotic values on them, people who had a perfect way of life in every aspect. 1:07 a.m. - 2013-04-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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