All of my ramblings on one site ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MY NAME IS SUE. HOW DO YOU DO. NOW YOU'RE GONNA DIE I want a son. I don't want this anytime soon. But when it's time, I want a son. A girl I work who is my age has a son. Though I'm sure she's struggling, I really envy her. But only because she has a son. And because she left home a few hundred miles away to make a better life for her and her son. I think that's so beautiful. A whole new life. A whole new job, new people, instant success (she's a wonderful cashier, very good with people, very strong, also a huge bitch at times), a new place, a new atmosphere, and her beautiful son to enjoy it all with her. I want a son so badly. But I don't want to struggle. That's kind of why I don't want to be a therapist. I don't want to be emotionally damaged by my clients, and I don't want to put so much of myself into my work that by the time I come home I'm too emotionally exhausted to take care of the people I actually love. And the pay is disgusting. I would make more being a miserable Publix manager. But I don't want that. I want to help, not watch people abuse government money and hard working grocery store employees. I hate that shit. Anyhow, I really look foward to it. Even though that will be a long way away from now (I hope). But is it for the right reason? To have something of my very own, made by the love of two beautiful people, to teach and to guide and to watch grow into a wonderful person. Is that controlling? Manipulative? Am I doing it for love? To feel like I'm in control (in a way that isn't evil, but isn't right still), to get that unconditional love because I'm the only person they know? I'm not sure. Even if it happened now, I would be ecstatic. But I really don't want that, I can barely support myself living in a house for free. That's the only thing I don't pay for myself and I still have a hard time paying insurance and my phone bill and all these car repairs. That's why we have Christmas and birthdays and financial aid money I guess. If it weren't for those, I'd be.. I don't know.. lost? My therapist canceled on me today. It feels so awful. I've been looking forward to our second session all week. Now I have to wait more, just like the first time I tried to get an appointment with her. She's simply wonderful, despite the fact that she's the only therapist on campus (which means it's totally free), and there are always emergencies (you know how college kids are) that she needs to tend to before me. I understand, but I still want to talk, too. She was out sick today, and when I got the call I cried. I feel let down, though I know it's not her fault. I just can't wait for this part of my life to be over. I know you should only focus on the present, and no where else. But right now sucks so bad. But is this just what real life tastes like, and I'm too emotional to accept that? A boss that doesn't feel I fit his standards, less hours at work, barely any money to survive with, car problems, relationship problems, having no friends, etc. My therapist said I grew up way to quick and I think she might be right. Everyone I know has their parents pay for EVERYTHING for them. Gym memberships, gas, insurance, phone bill, food, tattoos, new clothes, etc. The only thing I don't pay for is a place to stay, which I'm so incredibly grateful for. Goodnight ॐ 12:29 a.m. - 2013-03-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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