All of my ramblings on one site ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Give it a name My prescription increased to 40mg. I think it's helping with motivation, but socially I'm struggling. I think I'm doing really well on the surface, but on the inside I'm all twisted up and excited but scared. A girl who I had been getting on with really well said to Martina within ear shot, "I think Brianna just pretends to like me". I've been meditating on this since it happened. My first instinct was to explain and lay it on thick. But, I barely know this girl. I do like her, and I feel like I've shown it really well. She probably just doesn't have the same internal image of me that I do. She's got all her own stuff, and I'm just a side character. I think all I can do is stay true to my values, think before I speak, and try to do whatever I can to be a good side character. At times I feel overwhelmed socially and I don't know what to do when it's happening. I guess I haven't really named it until now. I don't know what to say, I cover my face, I say nothing, my jaw is probably on the floor. I do something to try to make the audience laugh so that I can seemlessly shimmy out of the embarassing situation, normally by trying to focus on work as hard as possible. I'm smoking weed way more than normal. I've been microdosing before work, and a couple of times on lunch, and then one or two (or three) hits for the ride home. It seems to be getting me by socially. It's not good, I know this logically. But it feels good, my body and mind feel good and at ease and not fast and not confused. Well, until I smoke too much, then I get confused. I think I like microdosing better because I definitely have missed doing things outside of my house, like going for walks, going to the store, etc. Devin never goes in my car because I'm alllllllllllways high. It's been on my mind for a long time to stop. It's a step. I have to do it my own way for it to work. No outside pressure, and I'm doing really well, too. I've been repeatedly telling myself over and over in my head that I'm a good girl. I don't know what that thought is doing for my brain chemistry but I think over time it will change how I feel about myself in a good way. I want to be a good mom, a good wife, a good employee, a good coworker, a good friend. I just got notified by my watch that my BPM was too high, 116. I don't know if that's actually high or it's just precautionary, but either way it threw off my groove in a big way. I can recognize that something is bad, and I'm trying to seperate myself from it. If I was neglegent, I can admit it I think most of the time. Oh, I remember. Am I trying too hard? Maybe. My impression management also needs to be addressed when I see Heidi tomorrow. I believe that's a huge portion of this mess. I have to leave for work soon. I've watched too many sad podcasts and thought way too much about the people of Ukraine and Russia. I'm scared. I'm excited. Bravest coward you've met today. Tomorrow I'm going to go to the smoke shop to get a reg 0mg nic vape with a nice flavor and I'm going to throw my vape away. 9:54 a.m. - 2022-03-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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