All of my ramblings on one site ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Discovering the Waterfront I'm pretty embarrassed about my life. I started school in 2012 right after highschool and I'm still not done with my AS (thanks to my on again off again financial aid and lack of classes). I'm embarrassed that I never left my home town. I think I'm embarrassed mostly because I used to judge people in my situation and I feel like everyone else is judging me too. I feel like if I moved (anywhere) I would feel some sort of accomplishment SOLEY because I got out, I got away, I made a daring move. I'm embarrassed that I work at a grocery store (still). I feel like a late bloomer as I always have been. I'm so embarrassed that I don't even want to seek therapy because I'm afraid they will judge me. That's karma in action, hmm? I'm not a bad person. I've never wanted to hurt anyones feelings intentionally. I feel shit on, but I also believe this is all happening as some sort of monk training. It's like I was such a bland and regular person before and then the sky started shitting on me until I learned my lesson for the most minuscule things. I had to get sick enough times to stop eating meat, I had to go to the hospital twice before I started treating my body right, I had to get so many anxiety attacks before I had to stop drinking and smoking weed, etc. I've been so deeply woven into my thoughts that I feel like I keep walking deeper and deeper into an unending forest of repressed thoughts and feelings and interpretations of those things and it's a sick vicious cycle. I feel lonelier now that I don't have facebook. I actually realize that I really don't have any friends. Is this normal? Is this real? Is this just my right of passage into adulthood? I wish I could interview a million adults and ask them how they felt when they were 20. 12:31 a.m. - 2015-06-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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