All of my ramblings on one site ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I Will Never Be Satisfied" Here I am, having a beer on a Monday, at noon. I'm still in my pajamas, my hair hasn't been washed in a week, and I called out of work because I can't stop shitting. The house is quiet and warm, my cats are asleep on the Yogibo in the living room. My feet are finally healing after so many years of neglet. My soul is healing. I'm learning and growing into myself, whoever she is. I look back on old posts and cringe, but I must come to love her. I do love her. She is me. That same girl who wanted to die so bad is having a beer at noon on a Monday in her beautiful apartment in New England. She's going to Portland next month, by car, to visit the only Cryptozoology museum in the world. She's happily married and misses her parents and sometimes her old last name but she is at peace with the fact that there isn't peace for long. Tomorrow she may want to run away, it's simply in her DNA. So instead she'll have a drink and sit to think of how lucky she is to no longer live on the brink of an emotional sink that would cause a big stink that would still live under her brother who lives in the clink. I have to accept that I'll never be satisfied, and that it's just a symptom of my being instead of a thing I need to figure out or a hole that I need to keep filling. It will never be full, and I'm not alone, and there's nothing wrong with me. It will always be in my nature to run away. I can remedy this by running away temporarily, assuring those who worry about me that I'll be back. I need to run and have control over my environment and my space and myself. It's trying to cure this thing in me that makes me want to run more. Trying to fix it is what makes it pathological to begin with. I'm not wrong for wanting to experience things and be free, and I'm also not wrong for wanting to be with my parents, and I'm not wrong for finding the beauty in a place that has hurt me so badly. I love every place I've been to (except Connecticut, yuck). If I had it all, I still wouldn't be satisfied. 12:20 p.m. - 2021-01-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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