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Hand in hand side by side

I watched a few videos. My stomach is in knots, my hands are shaking. Not because I feel scared, but because I feel sick. I want to call out of work.

I poured out my bottle. I poured out the left over soda from last night that I was saving for tonight. I put the glass I've been hiding under my desk in the sink. Tonight, I'm going to want to stop by the liquor store on my lunch break. I'm going to want to buy another bottle of soda. I'm going to justify it by saying that I deserve it, or that I had a hard day, or that Devin will be asleep so he won't know, or that the desire to buy it is so strong that I'm just going to do it so that I don't keep pestering myself about it, or that I'm not really an alcoholic like all the alcoholics that I know. The desire to buy it is going to be incredibly strong, and I'm going to feel bad about not buying it.

I wake up every morning and think "not tonight". Then "tonight" rolls around and I think "why the hell not?" Every single day. I didn't drink for two days when I was confronted because the guilt was fresh in my mind, but then I just started being even sneakier than before. I waited until he went to bed, I started buying soda bottles instead of cans so that he wouldn't hear me cracking it open. It took me five minutes to open a soda bottle last night to slowly and quietly let the pressure out so as to not bring attention to myself. I got fucked up, I crafted, listened to music, it was a great time.

I can't think of any good reasons to quit drinking besides doing it for my physical and emotional health and because Devin doesn't want me to, and those are not good enough reasons (though, they should be). I should do it for myself because it's just the right thing to do. I don't get hung over, I don't become an asshole, I don't drink and drive, I don't do all the same bad things my father/brother/uncles/in-laws/etc did or still do. I use that justification to explain how I don't have a problem, so it's fine if I drink every night. And maybe they started off this way too. I use my dads health problems as an excuse, the pandemic, policy brutality and systemic injustices, the fact that I'm just not ready to quit. Bitch, you will never be ready to quit, and the more you keep feeding it, the more power it's going to have.

The problem really is the lying by omission, the fact that I'm triggering someone I love and care about who was traumatized by alcohol as a kid, the fact that despite not having any health issues now, I am slowly killing myself. I am drinking more and more every night. What was once three shots in one glass is now eleven shots in three glasses. The shame only keeps the cycle going.

I know that I'm not alone in this, but I feel really alone. I wish I didn't have to wait weeks and weeks to see my therapist. But now I'm feeling sort of weird about her harm reduction speech. I loved it at first because it meant that I could still keep drinking. But after the few videos I watched, I realized that harm reduction absolutely does not work when you only drink to get really, really fucked up. I can't limit myself, because then it's not fun, and it doesn't feel as good, so what's the point of doing it at all?

I just don't know what I'm going to do with myself when tonight rolls around and the thoughts start to creep in. How will I self sooth? What will I tell myself? How will I keep myself from caving in? I don't want to tell anyone because I know that if someone tries to hold me accountable, I'm only going to build resentment against that person, and I'm going to start hiding from them more. Then I put myself in a perfect position to be a complete asshole when I begin to withdraw from them, and commence the fraying of that relationship.

One step at a time. One day at a time. One hour at a time. I can do things that are difficult, and I've proven that to myself over and over. I can tackle this as long as I don't feed it. I feel weak and little and alone. But I'm not.

10:12 a.m. - 2020-11-30

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