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Peanutbutter on the Brain

New things

It's actually stage 4, not stage 3. Not sure if I wrote that in the last post. I don't feel like checking. My dad recently got a trach put in. He had his first solid food today since Friday.

Devin got a gaming computer today and I'm really happy for him. He deserves everything he's ever wanted.

I've been thinking more and more about having a baby. The downside is I would have to quit drinking, I'd have to give up my craft room, I'd have to stop vaping, I'd have to grow up a wee bit. I'd obviously do those things very willingly if I became pregnant, but they're for sure downsides. I think I mostly want to have a baby so they can meet my dad because I don't really know what's going to happen to him, and it'd be a tragedy if my kid couldn't meet the man who *literally* made me not only exist, but accounts for the majority of who I am. We have the same hands.

Devin has been so wonderfully supportive of all this. Of my drinking (he doesn't like it but he doesn't shame me), my spending, my sleepiness, my dropping out of school.

In a very weird way, I feel really good and really bad, and this makes me feel guilty. I guess life is never purely good or purely bad. On one hand, I make a lot of money at my job and enjoy it very much, I have a wonderful husband, home, cats, and family, and on the other hand, I've been drinking waaayyy too much and my dad is dying, there is STILL police brutality, people are still dying from COVID, and the world still feels like it's in shambles.

I suppose all I can do is what I enjoy, tell my dad I love him every single day, and wait for Christmas to roll around to see my family again. Things are really really good and really really bad, and I'm not sure how those two things can exist at the same time.

Things I'm quite enjoying lately are Svedka with grapefruit sparkling water, Dr. Kirk Honda, Molchat Doma (a really wonderful Belarusian band), shitty movies, sleeping, working, vaping, joking around with the girls at work, and being a piece of shit (ie, being a drunkard spend-a-holic with the highest of highs). I love colors and stripes and lace and floral patterns and other people's handmade works and mediocre art.

I'm so, so very drunk.

I bought a teeny tiny thing of Nutella from Target. It's so tiny that it doesn't even have a unit of measurement or nutrition facts on it. I'm going to give it to Maggie when she comes to visit from Pennsylvania.

I also bought a felt shark ornament. We decided to have a Halloween Christmas. I'm so lucky to have such a nerdy, introverted husband who supports absolutely everything that I do. We may have absolutely nothing in common at this point, except for the love of our cats and Starbucks, and movies, and political views, but.. No one will ever love me the way that he does. I could have hairy pits, a pimply face, and a weak attitude, and he'd still make me a cup of coffee in the morning and kiss me goodbye. I'd take that over having everything in common with an unfeeling douchebag. Love is weird and crazy and nauseating and good and exciting and dangerous.

I can't believe I've been with the same person for almost ten years. I was a kid when we started dating, I was a kid when we got married. I feel like a kid now. I just can't believe that someone would have the capacity for patience like he has had for me. We've been through really, really ugly times, especially this year. But we always seem to come out of them with more love, appreciation, and maturity. We're both always growing and learning. Love is fucking weird.

9:51 p.m. - 2020-11-17

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