All of my ramblings on one site

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Frogs

Some new things

I finally read I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou. It was even better than I imagined it would be.

We have a single pea pod growing on our pea plant

The school I transferred to turned out to be way more expensive than I thought it would be. Being in an Honors Society did absolutely nothing. Even still, I'm very excited to be back in school and doing something useful and worthwhile. Really though, why do I have to pay a dining hall fee and recreation fee if I'm not going to be on campus? Why is there a 'new student' fee of $300, after a $50 application fee and a $200 fee to 'secure' my 'spot'? It's high theft. Is a history degree really worth it?

Things I've really been enjoying lately are reading, embroidery, and biking. I think it's so cool that Rhode Island has designated bike paths in green spaces. The specific one I go to is a thin stretch of pavement that crosses over the river, parallel to an overgrown train track, lined with chicory, tansies, and rose hips. The smell of the tide, the grass, and the wind is sooo intoxicating while soaring a whopping 12 mph.

I'm starting Wellbutrin next week. Part of me is afraid of feeling more crazy, and another part of me wonders if I've always needed it. There's still a tiny juvenille part of me that believes antidepressants are soley to make people complacent in a dizzying world, and another part of me that believes they can be incredibly beneficial to people when coupled with therapy. Part of me is also not ready to give up drinking and smoking, while the other part of me thinks I really should. What if I become boring? What if I stop liking the stuff that I like? Will I lose my passion for nature, books, crafts, people, learning, music, and animals? Will I no longer happy-cry during good movies or plane rides? What if I become a different person? A dull shell of what I was, no longer wanting to run away all the time, but also unable to feel anything at all? Part of me is excited to feel better, but part of me is afraid of what it's going to cost.

Though, getting rid of the constant high-highs and low-lows would be great. Getting rid of wanting so many things and burning out after having so many fun and great ideas come all at once, then wanting nothing at all and feeling totally uninspired for days. Getting rid of the need to hide all the time, the absolute need to tip-toe around everyone, the constant shame I hold on to, the ever-present guilt for taking up space. I would LOVE for all of that to just go away. So maybe it will be worth it. I won't know unless I try.

7:42 p.m. - 2020-08-01

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