All of my ramblings on one site ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ouikend bleu I want so many things, but I don't feel like there's enough time. Rather, I want everything NOW. Like a child. I ruminate over these things and then get burnt out and discouraged. Here's a list: I want a nice house. I'm tired of paying rent, and I'd like to have my own place that's just to our liking. I want a bathroom with a counter and more than two feet of space in it. Seriously, my current bathroom is basically in a broom closet. I want to paint the walls, get all new furniture. My current apartment is lovely, but it would be nice to have something of our own. Neither of us are in a stable enough position with our jobs to feel secure enough about buying a house, though we would be able to afford it. I want a career! You know, somewhere where I'd be busy all the time helping people, while also contributing to a 401k and feeling fulfilled when I come home day after day. Is this even possible for a history major? It's just a gamble. I'm trying to be WORTHY instead of just LUCKY to actually have a career as an archivist. I'd like a career with work/life balance. I don't want to be called when I'm not there. I don't want to be responsible for other people. I want to be able to afford one nice vacation a year that lasts more than 2 days, with pay. I want a kiddo. Obviously this one can wait, but I'm fairly certain now that I do actually want a kid. Dev and I would be great parents, and I know we would have a lot of fun together. However, the career and house need to come first. Though, I feel like my uterin clock is ticking, and my baby fever gets worse every year. I want a boy, but I seem to only ever think of girl names. Either gender is going to get my middle name, Rose. Sorry kiddo, you'll understand one day. I daydream about the 3 of us going to the park, showing them movies we really like, watching them learn and grow and become their own person. My mind seems to conveniently leave out all the bad stuff, like if they were to have a chronic or terminal illness, or all the screaming, or all the poop, and lack of sleep. Daydreams are not for being realistic, however! I want more tattoos. I really hate the ones I have, and need to have all of them upgraded or totally covered. I want my whole body to be one big sexy garden, with gnomes and foxes and shit. I want to be better at embroidery. I don't understand the process of getting better at things. Practise, I know, I know. I'm just not that creative, and I can't think of any ideas for what to do anymore. I haven't found "my style". However, I'm starting to believe this is a made up thing that not everyone has to have, like an appendix. I want I want I want One day at a time, one foot infront of the other. It's all just so daunting all at once. I'm plagues by 'what ifs'. But I have to remember that everything is way more gradual than I think, and all I can do is focus on the now. I've dealt with things before, I can in the future as well. I'll be fine as long as I know that I'm doing the right thing and being a good person, paying my taxes, and not flushing tampons down the toilet. 11:26 a.m. - 2020-02-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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