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Reject

I just watched a documentary on bullying, called "Reject". It brought me back to a place I didn't want to go, and I'm still there. I was never necessarily bullied, not like some of the kids in the documentary. I was made fun of a lot, or silently excluded. It started before I even started going to elementary school. It's ingrained in me that I was born to be excluded, though I don't think there's really anything wrong with me. I mean, there are people who are way worse than me who have many friends and loved ones. Even Charles Manson was loved and adored and included. I have always felt like I had this big massive flaw that everyone could see but me. Every best friend I've ever had has rejected me. Others I began to reject, because I wanted them to feel as bad as I did. This was all talked about in the documentary. As an adult, I'm really quick to isolate myself. I fear that I'm at high risk of dying alone, that eventually I'll cut everyone off because I don't feel worthy and I'd rather not face any more rejection. Every social interaction is incredibly painful and exhausting because I'm looking for microexpressions, pauses, eye movement, any indication of when the rejection is happening or will happen. I'm hyperaware of it. When I detect something off, I shut down, and you're out of my life. I know this is incredibly unfair of me. I so badly want to belong, to be in a group, but the fear of rejection over and over and over and over would kill me.

I'm still really hurt by my public school experience. So much so that it's the only way I can make myself cry on command, by thinking about how excluded and alone I was, even with friends. I'm crying thinking about it right now. It's been a fantasy of mine to scream and yell at people I went to school with. Not one person or anyone specific, but everyone. Students, staff, teachers, bus drivers- I want to scream at all of them. How could you let me be alone? How could you exclude me from everything? What was so wrong with me? To this day, I still hate all of them. Not any one person in particular. The school as a whole, every person in it. My brain burns and my chest is heavy and my eyes sting and my throat is tight just thinking about all those people, all those lunch periods spent in the bathroom, all my friends who put me down infront of other people, the constant embarasment.

Someone in the documentary put it so perfectly. "I'm not insane, I'm really angry". I feel that so much. This person ended up hurting people, so I don't want to pity him too much but I really do feel what he said. It absolutely fucks with your identity. You don't know who you really are, what you want, what you need, you're just so focused on trying to figure out what the hell could be wrong with you. I've always been a nice, polite, loyal person. I can't really be that bad. But I'm the common denominator in all this, so obviously it's my fault somewhere. Where do you even go? No one wants to hear anyone whine about not being accepted. No one would make it past the first sentence of this entry. If you tell a loved one, they'll just say you're being insecure, or you need to be more confident, or change your hair or something.

But I'm not innocent either, because I've hurt people in return. Old friends who try to contact me, I ignore them. I've been ignoring them for years. I'm here for you, but I don't want you in my life. So here I am, rejecting them. Partially to give them a taste, partially because I'm so afraid of being rejected again. I've hurt my brother, so much. At the time I was afraid of him. I bullied him relentlessly. He's really paying for it now, and I know I can't fix our relationship. I've apologized a lot, I always tell him I love him. He doesn't talk to me that much, and I understand why. I really do love him. I understand why he can't love me back, and I deserve it.

3:16 p.m. - 2020-01-18

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