All of my ramblings on one site

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Garden

Going home was wonderful. I miss my family so much, and it's always wonderful to go back. No one asked me when we're having a baby, so that's a relief. I'm too busy and too tired anyway. Maybe next year, maybe never. I'll be okay either way.

My dad has lost so much weight, and hasn't drank in 9 months. He seems really happy ever since losing the weight and getting a Harley. I just hope it keeps up. He isn't eating well, but maybe we can blame that on the holidays. His house is still disgusting. I felt so sick eating there, and I thought I was going to have a panic attack when I accidentally got too high in that environment. So much sand. I don't think I spent enough time with him, but what time I did was well spent and merry, and that's good enough. It's just hard when he can't get around well and I really deteste being at his house. He took me out on his bike a few days ago and that was really a wonderful time. I just hope he's really happy.

My little brother isn't doing too well. He's out of jail, but on probation and mental health court. He's not supposed to be consuming any mind/body altering substances, and has to take a drug test every Monday, but that hasn't stopped him. He's still smoking weed and drinks occasionally. He didn't pass his last drug test, but told his PO that it was from smoking hemp. He's since gotten a medical marijuana card, which I'm all for in other circumstances, but not his. He's an addict- maybe as a result of his mental illness or vise-versa, but I think for him it's just anonther way to escape and not get real help. He eats everything in sight, smokes, and sleeps the day away. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him. He doesn't care. He didn't even get my mom anything for Christmas. She does way too much for him, and I wish she would stop. Not that she's an enabler, she just cares about him and is providing his basic needs (taking him to appointments, buying him new clothes, etc). I know she won't stop, it's not in her nature to give up or not care. I just hope she doesn't hurt herself in the process, because my brother is not ready to change. He's has his hand held tight throughout his bottoming-out, and hasn't learned anything.

I'm glad to be home but I also miss everyone so much, and it always feels rushed. It's hard to get enough relaxing time in and also get to do all the things you want and see all the people you want to see in such a short period of time. It's over now, so I have to be happy with what I got, and I am, but I wish there could have been just one more day. Woof.

Devin may have had a falling out with his best friend. Him and his gf came to stay with us a few months ago, for only two days, one being his birthday. The first day we were both working and I had class, we couldn't take time off because he told us he was coming a little too late. So, the next day Devin asked for an early shift and I still had school. His friend and gf planned on going to an art museum in Boston, and we assumed they'd be back after so we could all hang out before they left to go home later that night (rahter, 3 am). They didn't come back until 11pm that night, and we were pissed. Yesterday his friend met us in Orlando, and though I had no intention of giving him the time of day, I was way nicer than I wanted to be. We were out with my mom, step dad and sister, so I was going to focus on spending time with them over him. Everything is fine until he brings up his previous trip to our house, gets pissed off, and leaves. I felt really sad for Devin, who didn't deserve that, who has done nothing wrong, and was even willing to forgive the first time around. Now he's not so sure, but I am. No one's asked my feelings on this, not him or his girlfriend, but once I wake up I'm going to give it to him. Devin has been nothing but a faithful, accomodating friend to him. He planned on cooking his friend dinner for his birthday, to spend quality time in their ridiculously short trip. Whatever, this is why I don't have friends. I have no energy or patience to deal with other people in this way. I will just cut you off forever and never look back.

I had a very wonderful Christmas, and I hope all the rest of you did too, even though I know no one will be reading this. Happy new year, y'all.

12:20 p.m. - 2019-12-29

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