All of my ramblings on one site ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Make Me Bad It makes me super nervous when people are screaming outside my house, or ever, anywhere. I've had mega baby fever lately and then I hear screaming and I'm like yeah no, instant birth control. I want to note that I'm not blaming anyone, parents or kids. I know it's normal and parents can't really do much. All I'm saying is I have a horrible internal response to it. But omg I want a kid so so bad. But for all the wrong reasons! I want to buy them cute books and cute clothes and take them on trips and teach them stuff, and talk about their day or whatever but I'm really idealising the fuck out of it. In the moment I don't consider destroying my vag, cleaning shit every day, the lack of sleep, the amount of money, the screaming, the helplessness, not hanging out with Devin or being alone as much. I know for a fricken fact that I'd get postpartum, because my hormones are insane as is. I'm not ready for all that. I may not ever be honestly. I think I'd regret not having a kid one day, but also I don't think I'll be ready until I'm 50. My life is such a slow crawl since I have to go to school part time because it's all I can afford and can't take extra time off my availability from work. So I'm looking to graduate with my bachelors in my 30s, THEN I have to get a career, if I'm lucky!! Am I going to make $11.50 with 3% commission until I'm in my 30s? When does my "I'm still getting my life together" phase in life expire? How long until it gets to a point where it's now unexcusable? All I can do to save face is just not talk to anyone about it because I'm so embarrassed that I still don't even have my AA at 25. Everyone is surpassing me. Devin isn't really motivated to get a career either. We can't afford it, we have one car. How are we both supposed to advance our lives? I wish I could have a career now so I could support him through school like he has for me. If I had a career we could also probably afford to get a 2nd car. That would be so weird, we've shared one car for like 4 years. Idk man still just gonna take it one day at a time I guess. 8:32 p.m. - 2019-10-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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