All of my ramblings on one site

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Am I a piece of shit?

I mean probably

If you don't want to read negative stuff please click awayyyyyy

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I've been so angry with everyone lately. My employees are always calling out, lying to my face, not doing what I ask them to do. I go out of my way to give them their desired schedule, make check lists to make their shifts easier, nicely try to help them be/do better. It gets thrown back in my face. You can't listen to music in the prep area. Not my rule. It's always playing when they're not expecting me to come in.

My mother in law changes the schedule I spent hours making, cutting us to one or two closers a night (we need four minimum). I get told to calm down when I bring it up.

My MIL and FIL don't work the hours they're required to, and get paid more than me. My MIL has another job for some reason. Got hurt at work, but went to her other job while she was "out of work" at my job. I hate that I'm starting to feel bitter toward them. I just want to do the right things, and they're always leaving us short handed. My MIL schedules herself four hour shifts.

I'm getting fed up. My mouth always hurts, my shoulder always hurts, I'm always tired. I can't stay awake in class. I just want to play Scrabble and read and embroider and watch history videos. Because I'm like.. 90 now.

I know that I'm the problem because obviously if I'm the only one who's upset all the time.. I'm the common denominator here. There are things that are out of my control, like people not listening to me, but it's my job to get them to do their job.. so..

I get downvoted a lot on Reddit which is making me question my life

I'm bitter and quietly cutting people out of my life because I'm too tired and too angry to talk to anyone, which is better than being an angry toxic prescence in everyone's life.

I wish I could be back in therapy, but tuition is sucking up all of our extra money. School is most important right now.

A woman I work with asked me if I was Russian and I said "no, but Russian women are beautiful". She gave me a disgusted look and said "no, they're not!". I said ouch, okay. She says "you're cute, but not pretty". The next day I go in and ask her to talk. She immediately starts crying. I said "as women, we get a lot of crap from the media and people around us. We need to build each other up instead of tear each other down. I have a lot of more important qualities than being pretty." I'm still mad about it. I had given her the number to my therapist, let her cry on my shoulder, I tried to help her any way I could as her boss and she does that.

I don't want to be angry, but I can't let go of the reigns and let the store get back to how it was before. I'm tired of being trampled on by employees and my in-laws. Maybe I should have a private meeting with my boss.

The feeling of "being hated by everyone" has followed me since I was a kid, and it's turning me into an angry bitter woman and I don't want to be that.

11:29 a.m. - 2019-02-24

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