All of my ramblings on one site

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Milky milky milky

For the first time I felt nostalgia looking through my entire Instagram account. Not so much for where I was or what I was doing, but for who I was. I'm missing that girl a lot lately.

She was creative and funny. I look at some of the things I made back then and I'm like HOW DID I DO THAT.

One thing that has always been consistent with me is my desire to make things. Another consistency is how bad I've ALWAYS felt. I was so so unhappy then, for completely different reasons I'm unhappy now (at the moment Im actually pretty content).

Looking back, I got exactly what 16 year old me wanted. I wanted to move out of my parents house, so I did (at 18). I wanted to move states, and I did (at 22). I wanted tattoos, so I got them. I wanted a really nice house to live in with a craft room and I got one (at 24).

Now I miss my parents and get so lost in work that I forget who I am. I'm people's boss now. I have no friends here. I have Devin and he really is the only link I have to my real self. I feel like I have to be someone completely different around anyone else, because the only other people I come in contact with are people I need to be a role model for or people whose ass I need to kiss.

I recently saw Kinya Dawson in concert, and between sets I went outside for some air and started talking to someone my age and it was really nice! I felt like ME for that mere ten minutes.

As cliche as it is, hindsight reaallly is 20/20. I should have loved myself back then. I should have told my friends to go fuck themselves and I should have stood up for myself. I can't lose myself in 'should haves' and regrets though.

I realized recently that I am terrified of women. All of my best friendships and general relationships have been with men. Most of my female relationships have been pure shit. Some girls at work snigger at me when they think I don't realize. It makes me feel horrible because I am nice and fair and just with everyone. It's given me a major identity crisis.

I can't make friends with girls, it feels impossible. I love when Devin invites his friends here because they're so nice and I feel like a real person talking to them, unlike with women who I feel like a wonky ogre around.

Hopefully when I start school next semester I will start to make friends.

Life certainly isn't bad though. My marriage is growing and beautiful and I'm forever grateful to have at least one person who ceaselessly supports and cares about me. We're growing as adults together and things really are great.

I'm starting school again and paying for it all out of pocket which is scary and humbling at the same time.

I'm still making things, currently into hand embroidery. I just finished my Big Lobowski series. I'm reading 1984 for the first time (didn't have to in highschool). I get to see my family for Christmas. Shit is good, don't get me wrong.

Also I learned that first wave skinheads were not racist neo Nazis and was actually influenced by Jamaican Rude Boys. Life is weird.

11:11 p.m. - 2018-11-28

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