All of my ramblings on one site

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You Still Have All of My..

The ever present mountains, the crisp air, the refreshing feeling of newness, being on the look out for wild life, being surrounded by people who don't know you but notice you and acknowledge you as a real person. Action, adventure, conflict, forgiveness, love, food, freeness.

I'm missing Pennsylvania big. Corey's wedding was so wonderful. I got to bond with the bride and the bride's family in preparation for the wedding, hung out with Corey's 10 year old daughter, laughed a lot, had waffles for breakfast every morning.

Mountains will never cease to put me at ease (except when driving through them)

It was incredibly refreshing to talk to and spend time with other adults with the same dark, dry sense of humor. It made me feel good that the bride's dad said I looked pretty at the wedding (this sounds creepy but I never get this compliment so it felt really good for me and I know it was innocent).

At one point during the wedding, Devin was outside and an Elvis song came on (cue everyone getting up to slow dance and me sitting alone at my table). The bride AND groom invite me to dance with both of them. I honestly have never felt so special in my life. I wish these people didn't live states away. Human connection is so important and it's definitely something my life is lacking. And unfortunately these people are one in a million. Devin is lucky to have such good friends, and I'm lucky to be here to enjoy them too.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

I was rereading my notes from the past. One person told me I had shitty emo thoughts and that I'm the product of the actions and emotions of the people around me.

I think when I first read that, I probably had no idea what that meant. It's something I'm really struggling to understand and fix. He was absolutely right though! I've always lived to be liked and understood. I always conform to the person I'm with because I'm so afraid of being confrontational and letting people down or being disliked in general.

Also, who DOESNT have shitty emo thoughts? And aren't we all just a product of those around us? We shape ourselves into who we admire and want to be like, it's a fucking normal thing. It's one thing to have no personality and be a social chameleon for the sake of acceptance, but literally everyone is a mixture of everyone they've ever known.

It's also made me feel a great deal of guilt for only writing negative things here. This is my diary, y'all (no one is even reading this). I've had this diary for ten years. I never lose it and it's a great time capsule for me. I don't come here to write happy things because I like basking in the happiness in real life. I come here to vent and write my thoughts out as a way of organizing the static that will only fester if I keep it in.

9:55 p.m. - 2018-10-13

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The past the present, and the future