All of my ramblings on one site ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Say Goodbye, Don't Follow I talked to Devin. I told him everything in my last post. We sat in the car and talked for over an hour, between unintelligible sobs and choky giggles, hard questions and loving reassurance. I slept so well after that . This is going to sound ridiculous but sometimes I feel like I don't deserve the things that I have, so I convince myself that there must be something wrong with me or my life. That's the only way it makes sense. My self esteem would never accept the fact that I work really hard at my job and kill myself making sure my crew is happy, listened to, respected and taken care of, that I picked up my whole life and moved it 1300+ miles away from the only place I'd ever known, surviving life in the worn down trailer we once lived in, eating rice and beans every night, the emotional battle I overcame last year on a birth control that was NOT for me. The effort I put into being a better person every day. Nay. My brain is convinced that because I don't have a degree or a "real job" that I don't deserve a nice life. My brain can fuck right off. My self hate has controlled me for so long. I figure, if I beat it into my head how worthless I am, maybe I will be inspired to change. I think this is what verbally abusive parents believe about their kids (or they're projecting?) I am abusive to my husband as a result of my home brewed self abuse. There aren't really a lot of resources online for people who are abusive. Any time I Google information about changing abusive behaviors, all I get are articles about victims and their recovery. This is wonderful, yes, but where is help for abusers? In no way am I saying abusers deserve sympathy, because they don't, but shouldn't there be some kind of help for them? I'm aware that therapy is a thing, but I can't find anything online about it. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=- It's not anonymous. I'm glad you're back. I'm glad you're okay. I'm glad you're here. 10:43 p.m. - 2018-08-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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