All of my ramblings on one site
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I choose not to believe in signs. Today they are everywhere. I know that it's just my mind putting a spotlight on things already consuming my thoughts. I'm scared as hell.
I'm so bored with my life. I'm over my job, over being a manager, over making the schedule, over bending over backwards to cater to everyones needs and still not being able to make anyone happy. I cried about it today for the first time. I was off today and alone for most of it. I saw the movie Three Identical Strangers. I went to Wal Mart to buy shit to put up our pictures with in our new apartment. I'm fucking bored.
All of my days off are boring. My passion for everything is fizzing out. My personality is gone. I can't make anyone laugh anymore. My existence feels forced. I tried getting back into school, like I do every semester for the past three years. I didn't realize I had to give the school documents proving I was now a Rhode Island resident. I missed the boat, I was dropped from my one class, the only one left. Back to square one. Even if I got in, what would I even be there for? More distraction? Where the fuck am I headed?
Naturally I googled "what to do when you're bored with life". The answers were not surprising, and ridiculously unrealistic. One guy left his wife and bought a condo on the beach, and visited like 28 countries in a few months. Every single one suggests leaving your spouse, as if they are to blame for your unbecoming. Reading this always puts my stomach in a knot. My husband is not to blame for my boredom.
Some days though, I just want to pack up and leave. I love living in Providence, I love my husband, but holy fuck I am so bored. This boredom has seeped into my soul and robbed me of my passions, my personality and my self worth. I'm so tired of feeling depressed. I'm so tired of feeling disliked. I'm so tired of feeling unfulfilled. The worst thing about it is that I don't even know the way out. I have no idea what I want to do as far as a career. I have no real talents. I do many crafts but I never stick to them long enough to get really good at them. I can't finish a book. I am always antsy, looking for something to make or do and nowhere to put this energy. I can't make friends. I can't relax. I stay on Reddit for hours, looking at puppies and cringing at peoples stories. Where do I go? What do I do? What do I know? I am directionless. I go to work, I come home and distract myself. On the outside I have a really nice life. I have a loving husband, two cats with hilarious personalities, I have a nice apartment, a nice car, a job with a decent salary. I have what a lot of people want. So why do I feel so trapped and unsatisfied?
Why would I have to leave it all behind just to not feel this way? I don't want that to be an option. But it's obvious that something needs to change. Even if I left, I'd just get a job somewhere else, miss Devin, and probably live with people I would rather not live with, and without my cats. That sounds like shit compared to what I'm currently working with. Do I just need a vacation? To step down at work? To get a new job completely? I don't know the answer. I don't even want to talk to anyone else about this because I'm so afraid of coming off as depressing anymore.
9:09 p.m. - 2018-08-21
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The past the present, and the future
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