All of my ramblings on one site ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I Stay Away Trust is hard For as long as my conscious memory goes back, I've had such a hard time trusting people. Friends from my childhood rejected me, laughed at me with their other friends. My brothers friends laughed at me. Past boyfriends who lied about going to girls houses, always girls who were prettier than me. When I was a teenager, my friends would've rather hung out with my dad, and they did, leaving me by myself. This left a huge mark on my self esteem. In my current adult life, fear of rejection and being cheated on has taken over. I've read so. many. god damn articles on learning to trust, learning to love myself, attachment styles and how to earn secure attachment, how to stop being jealous, mindfulness, etc etc etc etc etc
For me it's a big cycle. The subject is a girl. A girl who my husband and I both know, usually someone we work with, who I perceive to be prettier, smarter, have cooler interests, better sense of humor, etc. All things I believe to lack. This girl (or victim?) becomes the center of my universe of self loathing. She embodies every other girl from my past who has rejected me, who laughed at me, who had my past boyfriends attention, who had my dads attention, and they are here to take my husband away, too. They are there to remind me that I don't deserve to have nice things, and that I will never be good enough to be truly loved. I start to believe that my husband is interested in them, with zero evidence. My husband is equally nice to everyone, and very nice to me. He's aware of my trust issues and it bothers the hell out of him. I try to assure him that it isn't him, it's nothing he does or ever has done. Its me, it's my self hate, it's my problem. Coming to this point has taken a lot of work. It's fucking exhausting, and I want to wish it away more than anything. One thing I have done to try to break this cycle is to get to know the girl better. This has worked pretty well so far. The current girl, not so much. Yesterday I could tell that she was talking about me to someone else, it was really obvious, the way she was looking at me while talking to someone else, then that person looking at me, then the girl looking at me again. It made me so uncomfortable. I went over in my head what I could have done, what she could have been saying. Of course I immediately assumed it was something negative. I talked to my husband about it for FORTY MINUTES. I came to the conclusion that I have never wronged her, and I do everything I can as a manager to take care of all of my employees and the store, therefore if she has something negative to say, it probably has zero merit. It still makes me sad though, as I really do care about the people who I work with and whatever she was telling the other person was probably a misunderstanding that I would've liked to dispel had I been confronted. This is hard and juvenile and I wish I had something else to be worried about. 1:37 p.m. - 2018-08-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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