All of my ramblings on one site ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crawling I started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago. I told her a little about what was going on, and she recommended a book called "Insecure in Love", a book about anxious attachment. I've read small portions of the book at a time, so as to fully comprehend and store all the information. It's a tough read as someone who identifies with it so much. I saw her again today, desperately wanting her to tell me my worries had no validation and that I should quit my job to avoid seeing Devin talk to other girls. Instead we did EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) work. She had me tell her things such as when Ryann, an old friend of mine slapped me in front of two other girls we were hanging out with at the mall when I was in middle school. We also talked about probably the first time I ever felt rejected by a friend, when I was about 6 or 7. I don't remember exactly what happened, but I remember feeling not good enough and that she had more fun with them than with me, and me running off to her bathroom to cry. After this and using the EMDR light, I was able to separate my emotions from the event, coming to the realization that I was bullied, and I didn't deserve for those things to happen to me. I felt a weight lifted off, but suddenly came back when we started talking about how I was worried that Devin was being unfaithful. We ended on a scary note, with her saying that unfortunately relationships do end, and that I need to become self reliant incase that were to happen. My anxious attachment comes from all of these events, including when my dads alcoholism got to a point where I was no longer sure when he was going to be drunk and mean, or nice and funny. My sense of safety was gone, and I started attaching to people in hopes that I would finally be safe. However, this came at a hefty price: my jealousy. Any time any of my boyfriends or friends would show interest in someone else (usually harmless) I would automatically start comparing myself. What does this person have that I lack? Does he find her prettier? Funnier? More interesting? More fun? Until I had left myself in a deep dark hole of self hatred. We also talked today about how I've always walked around with this sense of having this big huge flaw that everyone could see, except me. That it's always been the big mystery of my existence: What exactly is wrong with me? That everyone seems to flock to those I love and don't seem to have any interest in me? After doing EMDR, I came to this realization that maybe there wasn't actually anything wrong with me. I felt an enormous weight lifted from my chest. I felt so much peace in that mere five minutes. Then, like I said, it all crashed back on top of me when we started talking about Devin, and the night that still haunts me, when we went to the bar with a coworker who I convinced myself he was in love with and vise versa. I left early because I felt sick to my stomach, and begged him to stay at the bar because the guilt of making him leave would make me feel worse. We both had gotten really lonely and wanted to go out and have fun with some friends. It makes work extremely difficult. I often wonder if shes stand-offish toward me because maybe she likes him (she's a hopeless romantic). It hurts talking about it. But I think it needs to be talked about. This happened a few weeks ago, and I brought it up recently with Devin, who was surprised that I was still thinking about it. I'm stuck on this idea that has no validation, no evidence, no proof. I have nothing to go off of except for my own insecurities. I have no idea what to do with it all. I want to ask her so badly if she likes him, but I think that would do more harm than good. She could tell other coworkers that I asked her, it could put an idea in her head that wasn't there before. This person that I previously trusted and didn't think this would happen with. I try to tell myself that even if she does like him, it doesn't matter because he married me, and he loves me. I don't know how to just get it out of my head and stop worrying about it. I want to just let it go, let all these things go. When this all happened is when I started seeking out help, because my anxiety never stopped. I still have it to this day, on and off. Very badly at work, very badly at night. I understand he needs space and his own time to do what he likes, and I need constant reassurance (which only fuels wanting more and more reassurance to no avail). I have abandoned all the things I normally like doing. I haven't made jewelry in weeks, I haven't gone to Target or Michaels or any parks. None of those things bring me joy anymore, they make me feel guilty. All I do now is play the Sims, Minecraft, and wait around to be loved. I'm completely aware of how dangerous this is, and isn't helping my case at all. I just can't bring myself to do anything that I would normally like, it feels wrong to. I don't even like to spend money because it makes me feel guilty. Devin always encourages me to do these things, it's not like he's making me do or not do anything. The panic I feel is a big black hole, always somewhere near, waiting to suck me in. I need outlets, I need friends. I need more self compassion. Providence now to me is a place where I feel the most lonely, and used to be a place I felt free and understood. I miss my work friends and my family. I know somewhere deep in my heart that this experience is very much necessary, and that I will come out of it with light and wisdom. For now though, it's scary and uncertain. 1:27 p.m. - 2017-08-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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