All of my ramblings on one site ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three Little Birds Are By My Doorstep I was going to delete my last entry, but I decided to keep it because that's how I honestly felt. Sometimes I feel truly insane. I go into fits of rage, always directed toward someone else. Always blaming and blowing things way out of proportion. Making assumptions about how others feel based off of how I'm feeling about myself at that instance. I'm known heavily for being paranoid and jealous.I always always assume I'm being cheated on. Devin always tells me what an insult that is, and I never understood why Though its completey obvious. What's cool thougn is that I have the power to change it. I don't have to be this way, its a fucking choice that I make to further beat myself up. I'm so horrible to myself, a bully. I have a picture saved on instagram of a video done by Amy Poehler where she says "So when you have a tape running in your mind saying all these negative things about yourself, imagine saying that to your younger sister or your daughter. You wouldn't. You would say they're beautiful, and you wouldn't be lying, because they are, and so are you. Don't worry about finding love. You'll always find love, you deserve love." I think the context was referring to relationship love, but I took it as self love (I'm lame, whatever.) Anyway, I don't want to be this way anymore. I want to be happy, and I need to start by making peace with myself and stop labeling people with my OWN issues. I want Devin to feel loved from a way he understands love rather than how I understand it and *expect* (expect is such a taboo word) it to be, and accepting the way he currently show love. My biggest fear was/is letting my guard down. I have to get over that. I have to quit putting more attractive women on a pedestal waaaay above me, and being threatened by it, especially in my relationship (as if Devin even cares about looks, look at me lol). I love my husband, and he is so patient wih me. He is a good person who actually plans on staying married to me (he recently brought up starting a 401k together). I'm driving myself into a lonely grave, no one else. 5:36 p.m. - 2017-03-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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