All of my ramblings on one site

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Garden Grove

Im afraid of

Not getting a job
Getting a job that sucks
Getting a job that pays like shit
Having to live with his parents in their attic for longer than we expect
Being alone
Being lonely
Feeling like I made the wrong choice
Not going to school like i plan on doing because of work hours (howdo you single moms working full time jobs do it?)
Getting sick on the ride up there
The cats getting sick on the way up there
Getting a shitty therapist (my current one is a dream)
Like everything is going fine and I feel like Im throwing it away
But now i feel like there isn't another option, i *have* to go
Not only because i already told people at work and my mom already bought me a scarf, mittens and matching hat, but because deep down i feel like this is so necessary that i go through this pain. That something so good will come out of it, literally anything, because my current life is boring and predictable. Its comfy and warm and not going *anywhere*. My house is wonderful, my landlord is creepy but not a dick, i get paid a good amount at work, im up there in the "veteran" society at work, and like so many people know me. I talk to so many familiar faces but stranger people and it makes me feel good. Im so close to some of my customers, in the best customer/employee appropriate way possible. I love talking to some people. Its going to be so hard having to build myself up again in a job.. Some of my coworkers are like family. Two came to my wedding. On vacation, feeling unknown was the best. But i think living there will be different. Unless I make it a vacation where I have to work. Im feeling my shell soften. Im so crampy and tense lately. I cant relax with all the essential oil diffusers and weed and crafting and disney movies in the world. This morning I woke up feeling sick and angry, got to work and my throat started closing, and I started getting really hot. I felt so weird, I got sort of dizzy and this whole catastrophe only lasted a minute.

Im so paranoid, really bad. I think everyone thinks Im the worst. I feel too depressing to be around. I feel like people only remember the bad about me. Ive been such a bitch. I think? Im always thinking what others think of me. I cant figure it out (im not supposed to, but i am obsessed with trying to figure it out). I dont have a good sense of self, and need to build myself based on what people think of me. Thats so stupid. If anyone ever told me they were doing that, id be like noooo youre wasting your time friendo.

And a fucking ring business? How laughable. Making rings is the literal easiest thing ever.

10:48 p.m. - 2017-01-04

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The past the present, and the future