All of my ramblings on one site

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Je suis Cubone

Life is really weird right now. Im married, working full time at a good job that i dont feel fulfilled by. It pays well and its relatively easy. They wanted to promote me, id be on my way to becoming a millionaire and having five weeks of vacation. I just dont want it. I dont want to do this my entire life. People make me feel so bad about that, like i just made the worst decision of my life. I dont want to give my entire being to something, be incredibly unhappy, yet be making a lot of money. I never wanted to lose myself for the sake of money. I always imagined i would be doing something that doesnt really pay a lot, but would be where im helping someone or something and it gives my life actual meaning.

I feel crazy all the time. Im always so mad at work, no matter what. Im always mad at Devin, and he never does anything wrong. Im always mad at myself. Im afraid of myself. Im so unsure of who i am or how people percieve me. Does everyone think im dumb? Or smart? Or frazzled, or calm? Or weird? People always say nice things and i over analyze words and facial expressions to be something bad. How is this person perceiving me?

I try to tell myself it doesnt matter, that i need to build self-worth and confidence from my own beliefs and not everyone elses. That everyone talks badly about everyone but it doesnt even mean anything, everyone is still smiling at each other. This is so weird to me. I dont want to care about what other people think, but im so wrapped up in it. Im alaays investigating. This is a very loud sign that my confidence is in the shitter. I know. But why? What the hell happened?

I always wanted my own place. I wanted my own big space with all my things in it. I wanted a safe space. And thats what i have, and i love everything about it. The downside is how expsnsive my safe haven is, and how much i have to be at work to enjoy being at my home very little. I had to ask for full time, and lie to my boss about wanting to be a manager and dodging so many bullets about a promotion into management that i dont want. I wanted to have my own space but be going to school more than work, not vice versa. So im not in school, which makes me feel like im really stupid. I feel like ive devolved mentally and emotionally. My social skills are lacking because i think so low of myself. I never get to do anything fun. I dont get to be adventerous and travel the world. I don't get to be a 22 year old person. I feel old and out of the loop. I love having my own place more than living with my parents, but the consequences are killing my spirit. I look at everyone elses life right next to mine. "Shes 19 and has already been to three different continents. Ive never been to most of my own state."
"Shes 20 and already has her bachelors. Ive been working on my two year for four years."
"Shes my age and just moved across the country with her military husband and gets to travel a lot. We live in our home town and work at a grocery store".
"Her parents buy her literallym everything, and that's the only reason she has a degree and travels."

I feel stupid all the time. I think people think of me as a stupid person. Not smart enough, not charismatic, not out spoken, boring, says irrelevant things always, talks about self too much, etc. This feeling rules my life.

I havent found myself. I dont have the opportunnity to make mistakes and learn from them. I cant make ANY mistakes. One mistake knocks down the domino-like order of my life.

Im afraid of having the same life as my mom. Not that her life is bad, or that shes bad, because shes a wonderful person who is successful and independant, BUT i dont want to walk directly in her foot steps like i am now. Married young, working for publix, staying in home town and not going to college, instead settling for a grocery store. Which isn't bad, and its the same tale with every manager. They quit publix, tried going for their dreams, they didnt work out, so they went back to publix and all of a sudden are in a rush to be in management. I DONT WANT TO BE MY STORY. I want my own story, where i didnt settle for things that made me unhappy. Where i became strong and smart.

Which leads to my fear about being like everyone else. I dont know where that comes from, but i have a theory that it comes from a time when i was about 12 and i called my little brother a poser, which was a mega insult as a pre teen, and my old brother who i learned everything from, said "YOURE a poser". That was the moment when i started wondering if i was too much like someone else. If i had anything in common with someone, i automatically hated that person, and myself. That is a major driving force in my life. If i have an interest that suddenly becomes mainstream (spirituality, nirvana, vinyls, old stuff) i can no longer have any interest in it. I feel as though part of me is being stolen. I always loved being different, but the attention was a major downside.

I dont feel creative anymore. Im not inspired. I never scrap, paint, draw, practice, or wander. I work, i come home and get high and watch Parks and Recreation. I go to sleep, and do it again. On my days off i sit around not wanting to shower, and when i do and am finally ready three hours lafer, its already almost dark out again. Then im depressed and mad at myself. But i never learn.

Im so fucking lazy. Im a god damn mountain in my own way. My brain sucks and is broken.

2:25 a.m. - 2016-08-05

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