All of my ramblings on one site ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Can you feel the silence
Life is getting a little weird. I don't qualify for financial aid anymore, and I'm waiting to see on my next fafsa if I could qualify again, because I don't want to be stuck at publix for the rest of my life. I currently live with my dad. It's not so bad, but I wish Woolly and Devin and I had our own place. All good things come in time, though. Devin currently lives in a trailer park and when Mike moves up to Rhode Island to be with Anouk, Devins mom, I will be moving in there with him. It's not a bad place. It's very small, but cozy. I saw snow for the first time, and went up north for the first time, and went on a plane, train, subway and public bus for the first time. I went to Rhode Island, Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire, Connecticut, and New York for the first time. I went ice skating and snow boarding for the first time. It was all absolutely wonderful. I really want to officially become part of this family, but like I said, all good things come in time. I've been having baby fever. This is not like me at all, and I think it's due to some sort of void in my life. I never liked nor wanted to have kids until just recently. Whenever I see a customer with their baby or toddler, I absolutely envy them. I look at their beautiful, innocent baby and wish I could experience that kind of bond and love. I would treat them like gold. I would teach them everything and feed them a healthy way of life that I had to learn on my own. But I know that I can not afford a kid, nor am I even mature enough to handle all of that. And for that reason, I have a lot of respect for all moms. Except the shitty ones. And I see a lot of those. Fuck them. I've also been having bride fever. Is that even a thing? I've been thinking about Devin proposing a lot lately. I was hoping in the back of my mind that he would propose to me on new years eve while we were in New York. I'm glad he didn't. With all the hobos and drunks and druggies around, that would have been the least romantic think he could have done haha. BUT REALLY. Do you think that could be due to some sort of void, or that I just feel obligated seeing as everyone else I know is getting married? Devin and I have been together longer than any couple I know, and we still aren't engaged. I keep thinking that it's still too early, but what does marriage even mean? It seems like such a big deal, but all it really is is a legal bonding. I take on his last name, and if one of us dies, the other gets everything we own. How is that so different than just dating? Why does being married versus just dating put such a strain on a relationship? Is it the title? Knowing that now you REALLY can't cheat and you REALLY can't get out of it whenever you want? But while you're just DATING you wouldn't consider doing those things anyway? What makes marriage put such pressure on two people who just want to love each other? I think it's crazy. I want to marry and have children with Devin. I'm certain of that. But not now. I've barely seen the world! I want to do all of that fun stuff first before I have a kid. But fuck do I want a kid. So bad. What the hell is it that I feel so in void of? Devin treats me very well and I feel very loved, so why do I feel like I need to procreate so badly, knowing that that kid will be so bad off with my annual wages? I think twenty six is a good age to start having kids. Maybe twenty two to get married. That way, we'd have four years to do whatever we want while it's still just us. I also feel like kids put such a strain on a marriage. My french teacher from high school and her husband never had kids (I believe due to medical reasons) and they are madly in love! I so envy their marriage. I think this is one of those mid-mid-life crises. A quarter-life crisis. I don't know. I think I'm way too ahead of the game. It's probably just a phase because I'm seeing everyone I know from high school having kids and getting married and maybe I just feel like I need to catch up. Which I DON'T because I can barely afford to feed myself. Anyhow, you should write one more post. I just want to see how you are. I hope all is going well for you and Christina. I hope you're not having the same thoughts as me. 2:00 a.m. - 2015-01-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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