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Love/hate animals

Saw a raccoon tonight eating some garbage and I just wanted to love him, but I know my big cat would get jealous. Or the raccoon would just tear me apart.
God I want boy cat to come home.
If I don't feel like I've pet my cats enough before I leave the house, I feel guilty all day.
If I quit playing with my cats because I'm tired or something I feel like I'm neglecting them.
If I don't give them the same amount of treats or attention I feel like the other one gets sad and jealous.
If I pick them up when they don't want to be held I feel like they don't love me back.
I feel like if I turn ALL the lights in the house off, they get scared.
I feel like I can never move away because I can't only take one (my cat) because he's in love with my sisters cat. But I can't take her cat because, well, it's her cat.
But I also can't leave my cat here because I need him and I'll never love a cat the same way, and I don't want him to be left alone all weekend while no one's home.

My sensitivity to animals is such a drag, I feel like I just can't let go. Like I always have to be satisfying and helping out every single one I see. I even say hello to every fucking dog I walk by and not their owners because their owners probably doesn't love their dog as much as I would.

And it's only gotten worse since I once saw a cat get half hit by a car. I wish he/she would have just died on impact. But they didn't. They suffered, and the road was too busy to stop the car and cease their misery. And I watched as I kept driving. I wanted to throw up, I wanted to die, I started sweating and crying. I don't feel like I can be forgiven for witnessing such an awful and overlooked crime and not doing anything about it. Yes, overlooked. It was an accident, really it was the cats fault. There was no way the car could have stopped in time, the cat run out in front of it and tried to run back once it realized what it did. It almost made it. Almost wasn't enough. I wish there was something I could do. But I can't. That happens every day, that same exact scenario. And I saw that one time out of the millions.

I don't know how to get over this extreme sensitivity. If I ever found out someone hurt that raccoon eating that garbage tonight, I would go after them. It's sickening to even think things like that. I try not to, I try to look through others eyes and see that their brain doesn't work like mine and animals aren't equals to them. But I can't. I can't see how someone could be so cruel, so unloving and so unappreciative of animals. Even if they're spreading your garbage all over your porch (you should have walked it to the dump, a hundred feet away).

Ignorance is bliss.

10:58 p.m. - 2013-01-13

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