All of my ramblings on one site ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We built this tomb together, and I'll fill it alone I apologize to all of you who have accidentally clicked on my page and took the time to read maybe an entry or two, maybe half of one. I'm aware you'll never get those two precious minutes of your life again. Honestly, I'm quite tired of it myself. My life: Monday-Friday- school. Thursday-Sunday- Work. Friday- Saturday- Get drunk. Why get drunk? I'm a 16 year old girl with acid reflux, alcohol is the last thing I need. I live in hatred and awkwardness throughout my sober work week. There is some acid in alcohol that, when I consume enough, (which for me isn't too much to where it's a health hazard or will put my head down the toilet the next day) it quickly breaks it down, leaving me normal. Social, happy, laughing, comfortable. I wouldn't consider it a cure, nor an escape. Just a thing, really.. I don't know what I'd call it without sounding foolish. My family is made up of alcoholics. And my life is already on the path to nowhere. The last thing I mean to do is make this sound depressing, because I'm in no mood for it myself. But I'm simply stating the facts. No matter how well I start to do in school, there is still no way I would be able to afford college. The motivation factor is a problem as well. I don't feel I can do it only by giving myself constant commands. Because I'm not afraid of my own judgement, so I can easily tell myself to shut up and quit worrying, to just try to get through the rest of the day; to keep the negative thoughts out. But in doing this, I'm only making more, and storing them in the back of my head only for them all to come out and tag-team on me later. Of course I don't want to be stuck working at Publix my entire life. Of course I want to do something awesome and have an adult life full of adventures and adult things. Nothing's impossible, but how much do I have to do to be able to do what I want? And is that really possible? The life I strive for isn't really difficult at all. Go to college, become a pharmacy tech instead of an interior designer. If you turn a hobbie into a job, you start to hate it and lose everything. So with all of the money I'll probably make, I'm going to buy a small but well put together house and design the fuck out of it. Make it mine. The only thing I'll really ever be able to own all to myself. The fact that I would rather be a raging slowly deteriorating alcoholic rather than a wife and mother scares me as well. My fear of marriage and children is incredible. I could never let myself do that. People change. People take advantage and people get bored. Sometimes I love the idea of having a child. But to myself. I don't want a guy in my life to mess things up. But I don't want to raise a kid that will question having one parent, as opposed to all of the other kids in their class with both. I don't know the feeling- I've known both of my parents all my life, and I still live with them (seperate but equal). But the majority of people I know only live and have known one of their parents, and they suffer a great deal. I would never ever do that to a kid. If I had a kid, I would want to give them everything that I never got. Which only leaves me with the motivation to do better in school, because my parents have always done good for me in every way except that. I've never had to go hungry, I've never had to move out because they couldn't pay, none of that. But they never really paid any attention to my school work. I'm not blaming my failure in school on them, but a little motivation from someone else who counted would've been helpful. And here is where the liquid confidence comes in.. I KNOW I can do well in school. When I pay attention, I learn things and they stick after one lesson and a few examples and I could do it over and over. I don't really know what to do about anything. I can't make it alone. But I push away my friends constantly. They push me away as well. Honestly, I hate them all. I really do. I suppose I keep them around to get some sort of social time. Other than that, all they do is copy my work or put me down and don't include me in anything. We all stay together because our bestfriends have left the school, so our friendship is stricly obligation. I suppose this would be because we all put our time mostly into guys we're interested in, and choose them over each other all the time. And because now none of us have anyone to give all of our weekend and time to, it's just awkward and we all realize that we're not REAL friends, and a change would be impossible. Vicki is mean and judemental. Miranda's annoying and copies all of my work. Dannielle is a hormonal lesbian. Alyssa is my best friend but sometimes I feel like just another person to her. Luke no. 2 is awesome and funny but when he's being serious about his depression, I can't take it seriously and it depresses me to hell. Devin... He's always been there when Mike would fuck me over for the day. He's my best friend. He's so beautiful. The guy I'd like to text 24/7 and take places and hold hands with while I'm driving. I've never hurt more about not being able to drive yet than I do now. Because things would be so much better if I could. Anything to get us both out of that complex we live in. The fact that I can't do this for another four months is eating my alive.. I worry about him a lot. I wish I knew how the next few months would play out before-hand..To lose him would be to lose a huge part of me. I wish I could just know what he's thinking. I'd love to be able to settle down with a guy and have everything be REAL and okay and comfortable rather than having to wonder the entire time. I'm not sure about Devin yet. You could just never know. And that eats me alive every day. You never really know anything. I didn't know Mike was at the party he was at. And yet I believed he loved me and only me. Nah. Of course not. Why would anything be that simple and good at the same time? Luke, I'm keeping my word. I'm only here until 2015. Hear me? 11:00 p.m. - 2011-03-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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