All of my ramblings on one site

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Sonata op. 27 no. 2 \"Moonlight\"

"You're only making things worse for yourself", said the jester to the queen as she stopped the metronome with a polished and talentless finger.

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"The way that we are, is the reason I stay. As long as you're here with me, I know I'll be okay"

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The past week hasn't been too bad in all honesty. Dannielle's been really nice, helping me with guitar and just talking to me the way we used to talk all the time before her and Ashley started having problems. It's been nice to have her as the normal, funny munchkin she's been since I met her. I've been up to my short dick in homework and studying for exams next week. For a little bit, I was contemplating dropping out over the summer right before senior year. I'm well aware that it's possibly the stupidest thing you could ever do and I would prolly never succeed in anything. But at the time it made sense and it was all going to work out. I would be driving and have a car by then (hopefully), so I could drive myself to school and try for my GED. I would see Mike a hell of a lot more and I'd probably be dying to escape port st lucie with him *coughorlandocough*. I would be working more and then hopefully get promoted, which I hope is soon either way.
I should be getting an evaluation in February and I'm excited and nervous at the same time, because the new manager will most likely be doing it and she only happens to ever be there when I'm having a bad day.
My main problem at work is being way too judgemental about the people I take out to their car. I have no problem talking to anyone or helping someone out, but I'm supposed to take ALL customers out to their car without having to ask them first. There are some guys that go in there though that I either know they'll tell me no, or I really just don't feel comfortable being alone with them. So it doesn't look very good for me to just let them walk out. Maaaybe that's why they won't let me do cashier training. Honestly, my job is super embarassing. I do the job of 80 year old guys or 14 year old boys. I always run away to go do something else whenever I see people I know. Although I really do appreciate my job probably more than anything else I don't deserve, especially when they didn't HAVE to hire me, or give me a second chance on my drug test. They didn't HAVE to do any of that. It could always be worse anyway, right? I could be cleaning out senior citizens' bellybuttons or something. Or have a job that ridiculously over-works me and I get like ten minute breaks in a 12 hour shift. Like Spencer or Mike's situation.
Speaking of Mike, he's really convinced that I don't trust him, or believe anything he says. He was acting a little off last night, and I knew something was bothering him. He said he was just thinking about work. When he left, I asked him if he felt the same about me, in which I got an "Idk." There was more to the message but that part gave me those sickening knots in my stomach that you can't sleep or smoke off. When I question him about where is he or what he's doing, to him it's me putting him into an interigation room. To me, it's just asking because I don't have anything interesting to say. I'm well aware that he's busy with work and drug court and fixing his car and stuff, and maybe I should give him his space whether I'm interigating him or not. All of our problems recently have been brought up by me and it's never intentional, and it kills me.
The other night, we made love and I couldn't help but start bawling in the middle of it. I wasn't exactly sure what it was, because nothing was really sitting and rotting in the back of my head that would make me just start crying like that. But at times, the thought of how I don't take enough advantage of what I have and everything I love, and how it could all just be GONE in a matter of seconds, would come in and out in waves during the time we were spending together, and I guess because we were so close, and I was so happy, I started feeling like shit because this is what I could be losing. That probably doesn't make any sense, does it? There's no way I can really convince Mike of how I feel, especially when we rarely have time to be together because he works mornings, I work nights, and he/I can never stay over long because he has to go back to work super early in the morning.
I wish we could go back to the time he lived with his bestfriend Amber, before he had drugcourt and worked so much. We hung out every night until five in the morning, talking alll night. Without our fake arguments, or sleeping, or worrying about everything. The first night I met him was probably the best and most missed memory of my entire life and if I could I would relive it every single day. I don't know what's going on, or where we're going, but I hope its somewhere good and full of butterflies and penguins and Palmers and Swiss Rolls.

11:29 p.m. - January 6

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