All of my ramblings on one site ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- no penguins in alaska I don't want this mood to ever ever ever ever end. Last night, laying in Jessica's bed, I thought of just ending it all. You're fat. You're ugly. You're stupid. You're selfish. You're nothing. You don't deserve anything. That plays over and over in my head and I cried for a good half hour. Waiting for sleep to reach me. Waiting for someone to text me telling me it'd be ok. But of course no one did. I just layed there and took it like a bitch. And now I ask myself why. Why am I so fucking depressed all the time. Honestly I don't know. There is no specific reason. I watched the Degrassi movie. I've written the word movie over a billion times today and keep forgetting the 'i'. Ellie was at a fake birthday party for Paige, and took the entire Margarita bottle and went to the beach crying her eyes out and went into the water, finally Marco and Craig caught up with her. That's how I feel all the time. She admitted to not wanting to kill herself. But I know inside she really did want to end it all. She didn't mean to get high hopes over every guy who wrote her a beautiful song. She felt bad for not wanting to see her dad in the ward, when he came home from the war. She just didn't want to deal with it. That's me. I don't want to deal with anything. I'm depending on everyone else to fix is for me. I really don't know why I'm writing. I'm buzzed and I should probably be in bed. But really, I honestly don't know where these horrible thoughts are coming from. It's my fault I get attacted to everything I kiss. Alyssa, I loved you. I wanted to be with you after that night. I never had the guts to tell you, and now you won't even talk to me. I want so badly to IM you right now, but I can't bring myself to do it. There isn't anything to say. I've already asked you for your forgivness, but you ran out. Your patience ran out for me. Luke no. 2 IMed me and I completly forgot what I wrote two minutes ago in here. I'm not going to read it, I'll get a headache. I think I'm done here 12:59 a.m. - 2009-08-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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