All of my ramblings on one site

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There's a snake in my boot

I've been sitting here for ten minutes with my whole weekend going through my head but not knowing what to write. I did a lot of things I shouldn't have and realized I never will again. Me and Luke broke up saturday..I just figured it was our time. Earlier in the day we got into a fight and I was feeling really weird, like, drunk. And went into the bathroom and took a razor to my wrist and my leg. They're not very big or very deep because I came to my sense in the middle of doing it. It's not like it was Luke's fault though. But sitting in there I really wanted to kill myself. I love Luke more like a best friend now than I do a boyfriend. We've been through hell and back together and we've been by each others side through all of it. My parents divorce, my dad's drinking, my cutting and smoking, Johny dying. Him with his dad and his mom and everything else that went on in his house. It's been a wonderful two years but I think it'd just be better now if we were just really good friends. And I can honestly say I didn't think I could really handle it like this. I still get a sick nauseous feeling because I always feel like I'm doing something wrong when I talk to another guy but then I think "I'm single, and it's not like I'm fucking this guy". I don't have any feelings for anyone at the moment and I think I'm going to go solo for a while.
I just feel so bad. I don't know how Luke feels and I wish I could've done it in a way to not hurt him. I mean, I wasn't being harsh I don't think when we broke up but I just..feel so sick not knowing how he feels. I realize I'm being really conceited but he didn't sound too great when I talked to him yesterday.
I'm just glad he isn't holding a grudge against me and acting all weird. That's what I like about him.
Luke, I just want to thank you for everything that's happend in the past two years. Good and bad. You're still a really important part of my life and you'll always have a perminant place in my heart. Just know, the next girl (or guy) to date you is really really lucky and I just hope the best for you. I love you like a big brother. Even though that's kind of insest.
I hope we can hang out when Hunter has practices and stuff. I'd really like that.

8:58 a.m. - 2009-07-06

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The past the present, and the future