All of my ramblings on one site

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Rant

I saw her, and I think she saw me.
For the first time in a long time I felt a strong jerk in my heart. I don't know what to think about that. This is so stupid. I don't even know why I get jealous of her and luke if I feel this way. What if he feels this way? I'm just a big hypocrite. I'm such an asshole. I don't even know why he loves me still. Why he takes so much time out of his life to be with me, when he could be doing better things. Not like I don't appreciate it. Because I do. A lot. Just, idk. I don't love her. Like that I mean. But it just feels like whenever I see her it's like seeing Kurt Cobain or something. It's really hard to explain. It's weird, because before I knew her, and before Luke started talking to her, I'd see her on my way to second period. She always looked so pretty. And I knew one day Luke would bring her up. I could just see it. Aspecially since she walked with Veronica. I told her about that when I went to her house. Like I knew she'd one day be part of my life: a part I'd hate, and a part I'd really like. And I do really like her. I like helping her. and I like talking to her. and I know Luke does too. So why do i get mad? Maybe I'm crazy. It feels like sometimes she's just so pretty, and it's like that's all Luke can see when he talks to her..not calling him a perv or anything. That's what it feels like to me he sees. And that's why I hate her. It's pretty stupid to love someone one second and hate them the next. Just because you're jealous or whatever. But it doesn't feel that way when it's just me and her. She's like two totally different people depending on who I'm with I guess. I should be doing the project I was assigned, but I just feel like ranting for now.
I showed Luke my cut. He didn't say so, but I could tell he was really upset. I could tell he was trying to hold back his anger. And I'm glad he did. Or else I don't know what I would have done. I was already shaken enough by the whole mess with my brother and my mom. For people who have read my diary before, I think you know what I'm talking about. Well unfortunatly, their relationship worsens every day. There is no respect, and no love, and no care between them. And it's killing me. And it's killing my family. He's going to be a nut when he grows up. I can see it, and so can everyone around him.
If Luke wasn't there for me to hold on to.... gtg finish this later

10:38 a.m. - 2009-01-30

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The past the present, and the future