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Reading through my old entries, just yikes. There's no room for regret, but I wish I didn't date so much as a teenager. With the garbage friends that I had, the chaotic home life, recently divorced parents, it's kind of no wonder that I clung to anything that winked at me. In a funny way, I got everything that my angsty teenage self wanted. I got the man, the home, the car, and moved out of Florida. Thankfully, the man I kept was not mere toxic leftovers from my teenagehood and turned out to be really good for me. Sometimes it's really rough growing up together, I was such a toxic person. I had to grow out of so many deeply held beliefs about life and myself. I'm a little upset with my past self for being so hateful, so angsty, so lonely. But I didn't know better, and that's just how it was. In a few ways, I'm still that girl. I have a really hard time opening up to people, especially friends. I don't feel the dire NEED to be in a relationship anymore, I'm no longer willing to sacrifice my entire being for another person. I don't hate my family anymore. Moving away strengthened my relationship with my parents immensely, and I love where I live now. I often still feel lost, but I know that I'm not alone. That girl really needed someone to shake her and tell her to wake up, smell some flowers, love yourself first. Devin has taught me a great deal about my toxic traits, that I'm worthy of love, that I push myself too hard, that I'm okay just as I am. He's been so patient, so loving, so helpful. I'm very grateful for him, and for where we are today- not only as a couple, but as individuals. But man it's hard. Confronting the hurt little girl, then admitting it was you, yourself, who contributed to all the pain. I didn't know any better, I wanted to be loved so badly. It is what it is, I'm still working on myself every day. We're much more grown up, much more refined people. It's all good.

10:21 p.m. - 2020-05-11


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