All of my ramblings on one site ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've become so numb A few days ago, I didnt give a shit about Lincoln Park. I grew up with them, my dad put the album on to clean the house to, I remember hearing their songs play at the skating rink and how cool it felt to skate to their music. I never disliked them, I just didnt follow them like I did other bands. I slept with someone once who looked exactly like Chester, and that kind of turned me off to the band (sorry). A few weeks ago, I watched a "kids react" video featuring Mike Shenoda, where he watched kids react to songs by Lincoln Park. That video gave me some respect for the band, as I had long believed they were just part of the group of thirty year olds trying to relate to teen angst (barf). I hadn't realized the effort and feeling they put into their music. Hearing the news about Chester, I was shocked, but didn't cling to it. That was until my brothers girlfriend posted the "Numb" music video with only the vocals. My god he sings so beautifully with out the extra noise behind him. Then it fucking hit me! The overwhelming guilt and sadness. The signs were everywhere, in every interview and song. The guilt brought me back to when my grandma took her life. The endless rummaging through memories trying to pinpoint the signs. Feeling the shame of not calling enough, not thanking her enough, not caring about her enough. The guilt I'm currently feeling is the same. I knew every word to all their songs (except new ones). I could hear every word but never really LISTENED. The meaning to the words didnt sink in. Im torturing myself by relistening to every song, and realizing he was crying out for help for so long. I feel like an asshole for not listening. I'm sorry, Chester. I know what it feels like to be trapped in your head, and you feel crazy and like no one would understand what's going on. Like you can never be helped because no one knows what's wrong or how to help you. You don't even really know what's wrong. Its a messy embarrassing climb to the top. You want to sleep it away but youre wound up by it all night and kept awake by the burning, overwhelming flood of thoughts and feeling like you have no control over what your mind or body does. Your mind lies to you. Youre not sure whats true, or who you are. Your brain is a dark haunted house in a war zone. Its scary and I'm sorry you dealt with that and more, and I hope youre at peace. I know you didn't mean to hurt your family. 8:49 p.m. - 2017-07-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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