All of my ramblings on one site ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Can you feel me? Ever since possibly being bipolar has come up, I can't stop thinking about it. I mean, maybe I'm not. I'd like to see a proffessional and get their diagnosis, but that costs too much. Maybe just a one-time thing would be enough help. I'm irritable a lot, and very easily. I never act on it, but it feels like my brain is clogged and I can't process anything reasonable. I just keep thinking "oh my god oh my god I want to get out of here". Like at work, and at school. My humor has turned very negative, and it makes me mad when people go against it. It's never directed toward anyone specific, but it's always taken so, and it botheres me to hell that no one has a sense of humor. Or am I just blindly mean? I feel like everyone is bothered by me, and that I'm a second choice as a person to talk to or be with. That they'd rather be with someone else, no matter who. I feel judged constantly. I feel guilty whenever I talk, because I don't find it interesting or worth their while. Or that they're even listening. I feel like a robot when I talk, and that my social skills are misunderstood. I feel like I should hate everyone and keep away from everyone as much as I can. This explains why I'm so insecure and can be very paranoid. It's ruining the way I think and could cause my relationship problems. The future is scary, money is scary, I fear everything that I have to work for, because I don't feel like I'm doing it well enough. I don't feel smart enough for anything. I don't feel like I should be in advanced placement classes, or go to college because I feel dumb. Even when complimented on my writing or work by teachers, and they're being serious. Everyone I've ever known who is smarter than me has pounded this into my head, and I can't get away from it. I always feel like I'm doing something incorrect. If I find a task easy, I'm usually doing something wrong. If a task is hard, I feel stupid. If a task is easy and I'm actually doing it right, I'm still convinced it's wrong, and change it from over-thinking it. My entire way of thinking is all messed up. Maybe I am stupid, or maybe I'm really just surrounded by assholes. I'd really like some advice, whoever's reading this. I'd rather ask a stranger for help. To avoid judgement and because therapists are too expensive. All in all I'm tired of being down all the time, and making Devin feel down, too. I love being happy! I need mental cleansing. Anyone have any ideas? Is anyone really reading this? 11:17 p.m. - 2011-10-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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