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why am I like this

I've felt so out of my head lately. I'm really afraid that I'm going to get stuck in this very nervous and very afraid mindset and that one day I wont be able to take it anymore. I'm not depressed, I have a really good life on the outside. I can pay my bills, I have a good car, a stable home, a loving husband. However every day this past week and a half I've been so freaking nervous. I have this knot in my stomach I can't get rid of. What makes me the most nervous is comparing this to Chester, and looking at how he handled it. I'm worried that that's going to be me. Not that I want to die at all, I really want to be happy and have a great life, however I'm afraid I won't be able to handle this nervous feeling for the rest of my life. I'm really hoping that this is just a bump in the road and that I'll be back to myself in no time. I established a therapist who wants to work with me, so that's a start.

I seriously get so worried and cry every day. At work tonight I was cutting lettuce and got so overwhelmed and just started weeping. I can't seem to control my thoughts even though I try to keep busy and tell myself that there isn't anything wrong, because there ISN'T.

Yeah I have things to be stressed about, like work and school upcoming and being lonely here but I feel like those are things I should be able to handle anyway. I've been through worse things, why would those be getting me all worked up to the point where I have to flee any time I feel like I'm about to spiral out of control and I can't eat or sleep. I feel insane.

I don't want to feel this way. I'm not sure how to control it. I'm so afraid of not being in control of how I feel, and now it's starting to affect my performance at work.

I know that everything is actually okay and that I have the ability to overcome these obstacles. I want to be happy so badly.

10:45 p.m. - 2017-08-02


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